scraps & lagniappe

don't mess with me

This is my lip after a fight with my iPhone. 

Tip from Kerry: if you're a klutz, don't hold the iPhone over your face and check email while in bed half-asleep.

What the hell Friday: all the news that's sh*t

Edit:  If you're not in the mood for a semi-rant, just scroll to the bottom for some good 'ole Kerry Blog fun.

I'm sorry for the expletive, but I've been cursing more than usual and I blame the news.  Today's topic title comes from the idea behind the New York Times masthead and their slogan "all the news that's fit to print" which Rolling Stone changed to "all the news that fits" for the debut of the magazine in 1967.  But now, all the news that's sh*t seems to be a better phrase. 

This is a painful topic for me, being a news junkie and all.  I've loved all things journalism since I was 11 or so and I tend to soak up as much information as I can, via print, television, and the interwebs as a rule.  I took journalism for five years in high school, yes five (that's a whole 'nother post), and the only reason I didn't go into journalism in college is because I wanted to write fiction, not straight news.  But I did love my time writing for the Byrd high school newspaper and The Shreveport Times, I learned a lot and was in my element, at least one of them anyway.  But that's when news was news.

I have a beef with the media these days.  I guess I should restate that: I have a beef with the news media, our trusted news sources, the Big 3, the CNNs, and the local stations, too.  Why?  Here's why:

As I write this, at 1:40 CST, these are the top headlines on the CNN homepage:

• Pay cap proposed for Wall Street 'idiots' 27 min
• Giuliani: Fat cat bonuses help keep NYC afloat
• Brown: Not the time for Wall Street bonuses
• CNNMoney: Task force will assess middle-class
• Deadly storm blamed for massive outages
• Jason & Jared's Capitol Hill venture | Video
• Alaska volcano appears ready to blow
• Haggard explains his sexual preference
• Ticker: Big surprise in race to lead GOP
• Octuplets mom has 6 other children
• KTXA: 14 hospitalized in carbon monoxide leak
• Obama girl look-alike model in spotlight
• iReport.com: Can you eat well for under $10?
• 'Stuff White People Like'
• Libraries in suspense over lead regulations
• Pole dancers spice up school program
• Burglars break into Amy Winehouse's home
• 'Mittens' the cat hits slopes on sled
• CNN Wire: Kentucky battered by winter storm

Let's examine this, shall we?  Disgraced minister Teg Haggard sexual preference is not news.  I don't care if it's sex with both teams of whoever the hell is in the Super Bowl or their mascots, it's not news.  It's just not. 

Neither is the crazy woman who has had octuplets.  Why?  Because she has 6 children at home and went through fertility treatments to have the new babies.  That's not news.  I know I'm going to get flack for this, but because I'm riled up already, I don't care.  Here's my view:  just because you CAN have babies doesn't mean you SHOULD.  The smallest baby was 1.8 lbs.  What kind of problems do you expect these babies to have?  And the woman lives with her parents, no mention of the father.  At best this is a story for the Health section, under ethics (and no, I'm not a medical expert, but I do have common sense). 

No, the Obama girl look-alike is not news.  Please.

Neither is Stuff White People Like, although it is a funny website. 

Eating well for under 10 bucks is a Living story. 

Pole dancers?!  Pole freaking dancers?!  Is CNN just trying to tick me off or what?  This is so not news.  Not effing news.  No effing way.  You know what would be news?  If I were a pole dancer. 

Amy Winehouse's house being burglarized?  What were they after, her crack pipe?  Not news.  Not unless they broke in and found shiny ass unicorns dancing the can-can with Amy's wig. 

Mittens the cat -- now CNN is mocking me.  This is Star Magazine stuff.

Do you see what I mean?  Does anyone remember that we're in a recession, a war, massive debt, environmental crisis -- just to name a few?  I know those subjects aren't fun, but that's what news is.  News is serious business, you know news is serious because newscasters wear suits.  Suits are for serious situations.  Frivilous stories belong in entertainment and silly blogs and things.  Mittens the cat should be on FUPenguin.  Amy Winehouse belongs on TMZ.  The Obama girl look-alike, who cares?   To be fair, the Obama thing is a Feature and should appear in Living, nowhere near the CNN top stories.  These things should be tucked at the bottom in the categories in which they belong.

I don't know what happened to reporting serious news.  I miss Dan Rather and Tom Brokaw. 

In case you're thinking it's just CNN and to show both sides, here's the top FOX News stories at 2:58 CST:

• Deadly Storm Blamed for Massive Outages | PHOTOS
• Iraq in Lockdown on Eve of Elections | PHOTOS
• Alaska Volcano Appears Ready to Blow
  - PHOTOS: See Mount Redoubt Ruuuuumble
• FOXBusiness: Consumer Sentiment Remains Weak
• Obama, Chief Justice Roberts Prepare to Face Off
• Ailing Fidel Castro Throws First Punch at Obama
• Death Row Inmate Sends Map Leading to Body
• Dad Fatally Stabbed in Front of Daughter at Bus Stop

• Ship Suspected of Carrying Arms to Hamas Searched
• What Do Politicians' Signatures Say About Them? | PHOTOS
• 8 Dead in Butcher Shop Bloodbath After Botched Heist
• Tainted Peanuts Contained 'Filthy, Putrid' Substance
  - RAW DATA: List of Recalled Peanut Butter Products
• Embezzlement Suspect Threatens Suicide in Casino
• Amy Winehouse's London Home Burglarized
• Uninvited Sister Attacks Bride at Wedding Reception
• Drew Peterson's Fiancee Moves Out After Breakup

Now, the Kerry Blog is anything but Fair and Balanced, so I'm calling FOX out -- y'all ain't reporting the news either!  Yeah, I said it.  The politicians' signatures, sister attacking the bride, Drew Peterson's fiancee, and Amy Crackhouse  -- not the news, not even close. 

Just for fun, and because I'm in a mood, here's the news story of the day that I'm making up off the top of my head, because that's where I keep my bestest ideas. 

BREAKING NEWS:

SPACE HOOKERS HAVE LANDED, OBAMA DEFERS TO BILL CLINTON

Reports are coming in from the MId-West of Space Hookers landing in cornfields.  President Obama has deferred to former President Bill Clinton on this issue, citing the current economic crisis and Clinton's accomplishments  in diplomatic affairs. 

When contacted for a comment, former President Bush said, "there's hookers in space?  DAAYUUUM!"

Please stay with KBN the Kerry Blog Network for further developments .  We now return you to your regularly scheduled program. 


The photo comes courtesy of plaidstallions.com (my current obsession) and I made the Breaking News pic on icanhascheeseburgers.com. 

an early what the hell Friday

Yes, I know it's Thursday, but I'll be at Crop Connection this afternoon through Saturday night, so it's an early What the Hell Friday for you to ponder for days on end.  I'll be posting from CC, but this is too effin' weird not to post for WTHFriday.

It's the USB Boob Warmer.
Yes, it's a boob warmer.  For times when you're naked at the computer and it's just too much trouble to find a robe (as I'm wearing as I write this) or any type of clothing.  Thank goodness this has been invented because I can't tell you how often I'm blogging in the buff (btw, that's my new hit single "Blogging in the Buff") and I think "if only I had something to plug into this USB port to warm my bodacious chi-chis." 

Well, lo and behold, leave it to the Japanese to invent this lovely product.  I'm sure they're working on the USB ass warmer as we speak.  It would just be one bigger version of the kidney bean-shaped boob warmers.  Genius, I'm telling you!

But Kerry, pray tell, how does this nifty gadget work?  Oh, yes, you knew there would be more pictures.

Why, it looks like you stuff the boobie warmers under your bra.  Damn, guess I can't use them naked.  You'd think they would have made them in skin tones -- a peachy color, tan, cocoa, mahoghany -- I'm just saying. 

I could just see my friends who work in chilly offices pulling these babies out and getting warm and toasty in the office.  I think I'll be picking up at few of  for next Christmas.  Secret Santa gifts!

Too bad the website's in Japanese.  I can't help but wonder, do they come in sizes?  I need to know if they make my DD or not. 

for when you want to smell like a vampire

Unless you've been living in a van down by the river for the past few months, you've heard of this "Twilight" phenomenon.  If the book had come out when I was in a tween or teen, I would have been all over it, but having heard so much about the story, I can't see reading the series.  The novel centers a round a couple, Edward and Bella and guess what?  Edward's a vampire.  Teen girls went crazy over the book, I'm thinking the reason for that is every girl wants a bad boy at some point in her life (thankfully for most of us, we get over this) and vampires rank pretty high on the bad boy scale.  I dated a few bad boys, no vampires, although one was questionable, but probably more wolfman than vampire.

Anyfang, seems girls are bananas over this Edward dude and they all saw the movie, bought the t-shirts -- it's Twilight madness.  Well, if that wasn't enough and you want more Twilight, get ready. 

It's Twilight, the fragrance. 

You know, for times when you want to smell like a vampire.  I don't know when those times would be, but just in case, here ya go.  I'm pretty sure it's not to be worn to ward off vampires, but to draw them to you.  If it were for warding off vampires, I assume it would smell like garlic, but as you can see, the perfume comes in an apple-shaped bottle.  I kind of doubt the perfume smells like apples.  From seeing the trailers from the movie, I tend to think it would smell like hair gel and glitter.  Them is some shiny vampires.  Looks like Edward fell into a lake of fabulous! and came out all glisteny and shiny, like when I dusted myself with the shimmer powder from Smashbox and didn't realize just how shimmery it was.  For a man, even a vampire, there is a thin line between shine and fabulous! -- Clay Aiken being on the latter side. 

From what I understand from reading the author's quotes, the apple on the cover of the novel is to symbolize the forbidden fruit, because people and vampires generally shouldn't date.   At least that's what I've always been led to believe, and having seen a lot of vampire movies, I would tend to run away from one.  

But, of course the Twilight generation didn't grow up with The Lost Boys and Anne Rice's vampires, Lestat, Louis, or Armand. So since they haven't been properly educated, I guess we have to let it go.  And going out on a limb, I assume the kids today haven't read Bram Stoker's Dracula either.  If  (and I know this is not the popular view) one had read the novels or seen the movies I've mentioned, a vampire wouldn't be the man of one's dreams.  Trust me, I've read a ton and I dated a few bad boys back in the day -- and I tend to believe bad boy + vampire = kiss of death, literally. 

what the hell Friday: tech etiquette

I was reading the CNN site tonight at came across a Real Simple magazine guide to tech etiquette with questions and answers from "experts" in manners and etiquette and thought, really?  What the hell?  I'm polite and all, I don't need any experts telling me what's proper tech etiquette -- I practically invented the subject.  Y'all know I'm hopelessly addicted to gadgets, so I'm qualified, yo.  So, here's the Kerry Blog Guide to Tech Etiquette.

1. You're walking down the street and listening to your iPod when you run into someone you know. Do you need to remove both earbuds to talk to her?

What the hell?  Remove both earbuds to talk?  It's like this, don't interrupt me while I'm listening to my jams.  How do you know "Jungle Love" by Morris Day and the Mother Effin' Time's not on?  You can't interrupt that!  Dang, I might be groovin' to my theme song "Goody Two Shoes."  Talk about etiquette, don't bother me. Text me like a damn normal person.  And where I am going walking down the street?  I have a car.  I play my iPod in the car, and I can talk while I drive, so call me. 

2. Is it rude to check your PDA at a friend's house?

The "expert" says to think of your PDA like a crossword puzzle and you can use it anywhere it would be acceptable to work a crossword puzzle.  What the hell?  Who's getting together and doing crossword puzzles with friends?  Here's the Kerry Blog advice: if you need to access your PDA for something important like an email from your realtor or to check if you're winning the limited edition Hello Kitty personal massager on eBay or to watch the video of the monkey sneezing on YouTube -- go ahead, knock yourself out.  Your friend will understand.  If not, refer her to my blog, tell her I said it's okay and I'm an expert. 

3. How quickly must I respond to an e-mail? Are the standards different for work e-mails versus personal e-mails?

Hmm.  That's a hard one.  I would say -- what the hell?  I have stuff to do, I can't be emailing you back right away all the time.  I might be busy blogging or talking to friends on FaceBook, something important like that.  Unless you're emailing me something really funny, then I'll email back immediately.   Now, if I emailed you -- that's something completely different.  I give friends half a day to email back and if they haven't I assume  a) they are busy planning a surprise party for me,  b) they've been injured in a horrible disfiguring accident and can't reply,  c) I have said something to offend them and they're pissed.  I'm paranoid, so what?  Email people back, ok?

4. If someone calls you, can you e-mail the person back or send a text message if you're not in the mood to talk? What if you text or e-mail someone and the person calls you back?

I have to say, I don't have this problem because everyone always wants to talk to me.  Now, if someone calls you, you should call them back. I have a bad habit of not listening to voice mails, but I do check the caller ID and call people back -- unless I'm busy posing for the new Victoria's Secret catalog.  If someone emails, you should email them back.  And that brings up another point: how do you know when it's ok to not email someone back?  You know, you get an email to ask what time you're meeting a friend for lunch, so you reply with the time, then they reply to your reply to say thanks -- are you supposed email back to say you're welcome?  That could go on forever.  Have you ever gotten a thank-you note so nice that you thought "I should send a thank-you note back"?  Same idea.

5. Is using BCC (blind carbon copy) on an e-mail considered sneaky?

Hell no!  Is it sneaky to call up a friend after an event you both attended to talk about how whatshername was wearing those low-rise jeans and you could see her thong and she has no business wearing low-rise or thongs?  Not in my book.  Some things just need to be said.  For instance, I received and email not long ago that was so ridiculously juvenile and mean-spirited that I had to share it with close friends.  I thought about posting it on the blog, as a couple of friends suggested, but I was content just to show a select few what a pompous baffoon this individual was.  Is that sneaky?  No.  Is it being ugly?  Maybe.  Did my friends and I make up a new nickname for this person and now refer to them by that name?  Fo shizzle.  When in doubt, follow the Kerry Blog Rules of Emailification. 

    a) don't put anything in writing you wouldn't want to come back to bite you in the ass.
    b) if you're going to put things in writing you may regret later, use spell check for crying outloud.
    c) if you're going to put things in writing you may regret later, make sure you send it to the person you intended it for.  Once in high school I wrote two notes to two different friends and passed them on the way to a pep rally, of course, being an idiot, I mixed them up.  So, friend A found out what a beyotch I thought she really was and friend B thought it was pretty funny.  If you're going to be snarky, get it right.  For the record, beyotch was crazy and went off on me and we didn't speak after that.  Moral of this story: if you want out of a bad friendship/relationship, mix up your emails -- it may get a crazy person out of your life, on the other hand, she could go all Single White Female on you.   
    d) once you hit send you can't get it back.  Don't drink and email, don't email late at night, and don't email in anger.
    e) email is not to be used for any of the following: beaking up with your significant other, telling someone their dad is gay, asking if there's going to be weed at a party, asking if there will be an open bar, telling someone their cat died, telling someone you saw their mom at a bar and she was looking hot, asking if it's okay to ask your friend's mom out, telling someone you think their child has Asperger's, admitting to an addiction, admitting you have no idea how you got home last night, telling someone you knew their spouse was a cross dresser, telling someone you think you saw their neighbor on Dateline's To Catch a Predator, or asking your spouse if that dent in their car was already there. 

Hopefully that will help some of you.  If you read the last paragraph and said, "uh-oh," then maybe you should distance yourself from the Interwebs for a while.  If you have any further advice, feel free to leave it in the Comments.  As for me, it's 1:10 am, perfect time for some late night emailing.  I think it's a great time to confess to a friend that I may or may not have seen seen pics of their spouse naked on the Interwebs. 

Y'all have a good weekend.

50 questions

I'm totally phoning it in today.  Here's another question-thing b/c I'm too scattered to pick a topic.  Enjoy learning stupid things about me.


1. Do you like blue cheese?     yes, it is cheese and I love cheese. 
2. Have you ever smoked a cigarette?     I have tried to smoke twice in my life.  I'm allergic.
3. Do you own a gun?     no, I do not.
4. What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic?    I don't.  I just like tea.  And the coconut cream pie shakes without the pie crust part.  Mmmmm.
5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointment?    yes, it's called white-coat anxiety (as opposed to my normal everyday variety).
6. What do you think of hot dogs?     I love a hotdog, but I don't want to think about what's in them (unicorns and eye of newt probably).
7. Favorite Christmas Song?    "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas," duh
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?    a vat of coffee, as the hubs says.
9. Can you do push-ups?     no, I've never even owned a push-up bra.
10. What is your favorite movie?      that's hard.  Pretty in Pink, Philadelphia Story, GWTW
11. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry?      my anniversary ring
12. Favorite hobby?      scrapbooking, writing
13. Do you work with people who idolize you?      obviously, they're bowing down and feeding me grapes as I write this. 
14. Do you have ADD?     uh, yeah, have you met me?  Ooo-- look a puppy!
15. What’s one trait that you hate about yourself?     I'm trying not to hate myself, actually.
16. What’s your middle name?     Renae
17. Name three thoughts at this moment:    when is Andrew going to fall asleep, is the tea finished, wonder if SNL is new tonight
18. Name 3 things you bought yesterday:    a really cool Christmas gift for a friend's munchkin, a monogrammed water bottle for me, monogrammed bookmarks for a friend.
19. Current worry right now?     job for the hubs
21. Current hate right now?     tacky Christmas decorations
22. Favorite place to be?      home, I'm becoming a recluse!  Look out, Brian Wilson!
23. How did you bring in the New Year?     watching the neighborhood fireworks extravaganza with the hubs.
24. Where would you like to go?     Ireland (County Kerry)
25. Name three people who will complete this?     no one is this flockin' bored.
26. Whose answer do you want to read the most?     see above.
27. What color shirt are you wearing?     pink ScrapFest! tee
28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?     no
29. Can you whistle?     yeah, but I look funny when I whistle, so I don't do it in public.  Fortunately, I don't have to often whistle in public.
30. Favorite color?    pink
31. Would you be a pirate?     um, no.
32. What songs do you sing in the shower?     I don't sing in the shower, it's usually the only quiet part of my day.
33. Favorite girl’s name?    Molly, Katie, Caroline would have been our 3rd girl. 
34. Favorite boy’s name?     Andrew
35. What’s in your pocket right now?      a Kleenex
36. Last thing (Person) that made you laugh?     Jennifer and her entry in the Ugly-Ass Christmas Decor contest. 
37. Best bed sheets as a child?      I can't believe this, but I do not recall my childhood bed sheets.  No idea.
38. Worst injury you’ve ever had?     ok, here's where I sound like a complete moron.  I broke my pinky toe in college and last year I fell in the garage and got all banged up and bloody.  I'm extremely accident prone, but luckily have not been severely injured.  Does a sunburn count, I've had 14 degree ones and yes, I know that number doesn't exist in normal range, but my skin is the color TRANSPARENT MILK and I burn like toast, baby. 
39. What is your favorite snack?     cookies.
40. Favorite thing to do on Sundays?    nap
41. Who is your loudest friend?     I can't think of who would be the loudest -- oh, Megan when she's yelling at someone, like the guy at Joe's Shoes.  Oh, that was a fun day. 
42. How many dogs do you have?     one, Lucy dog
43. Does someone have a crush on you?     gee, I don't know, but I hope the hubs does.  Maybe I should write him a circle yes or no note.
45. What is your favorite book?       The Awakening by Kate Chopin
46. What is your favorite candy?      M & Ms
47. What is your favorite sports team?      don't have one, but I've always thought of owning my own pro all-gay football team in Miami and calling them the Pink Flamingos.  We'd have the best uniforms in all the NFL and the prettiest locker room.
48. What song do you want played at your funeral?      oh, dear, how morbid.  All the good funeral standards, then "The Water is Wide" is a good one and the awesome "Because I Could Not Stop for Death" by Natalie Merchant (Emily Dickinson's poem set to music -- genius), and of course the last song played would have to be "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead" by the Munchkins from the Wizard of Oz.  Oh, and I forgot "Copacabana" and "Lowrider."  This question kind of rules!  My funeral will effin' rock!
49. What were you doing 12 AM last night?      watching the end of the last Indiana Jones movie with the hubs.
50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up this morning?      what time is it?  Morris Day and the Time style.   That's my first thought every morning -- "what time is it" in Morris Day's voice.  How weird is that? 

Goodness sakes alive, that's a lot of nonsense.  We will see if I can put a string of thoughts together for a post tomorrow.  It's like my brain is full of feathers  and super bouncy balls today. 

quantum of simple minds

I'm sure I'm completely alone on this one, but the whole time I was watching the new 007 Quantum of Solace movie last weekend, I was distracted by the creepy villain.  Not for his sheer creepiness or for the floppy hair (that I adore on non-creepy dudes -- shout out to Hugh Grant and Patrick Dempsey), but because he bears resemblance to the non-creepy singer from Simple Minds, Jim Kerr.  Creepy actor Mathieu Amalric has crazy eyes.

This is Jim Kerr.  He's a cool guy from Scotland who happens to share my birthday (along with OJ Simpson and Tom Hanks).  He is the singer in Simple Minds of "Don't You (Forget About Me)" fame  and he used to be married to Chrissie Hynde from the Pretenders.  Sounds like a fairly cool guy to me.  How can you not love someone who sings a song from the soundtrack of your life?  He's on my list of cool guys from the British Isles with Mick Hucknall from Simply Red and a few others. 

This is creepy Mathieu Amalric .  I'm sure he's not creepy in real life, but he was damn creepy in 007.  He's French and apparently an accomplished actor in his homeland -- his IMDB credit list is pretty long, not that I've seen any of his other films.  For one thing, my French is super rusty -- I can tell you what color my pencil is, but that's about it.  And I hate reading subtitles.  If I want to read, I'll pick up a book, not watch a movie.  And I never believe that the subtitles are really what the actors are saying.  I don't know why, but I always suspect they're saying something completely different.  Like "look at the stupid people reading the screen, fools!  Ha!  We are mocking you, you dumb English-speaking people with your nachos and popcorn and your giant $5 beverages!" 

It's like when Megan and I go for pedicures and the pedicure women are speaking in their native tongue and we have no idea what they're saying.  It's probably "damn chubby girl comes in here always talking about stupid things and playing with her phone."  Then the other woman says, "her friend's no better, laughing at Ellen and talking loud to us like we don't speak English!"  I'm fairly certain that's what they're talking about.  That's totally it. 

Anyway, you can count on the Kerry blog to bring you quality info like this.  Musicians, actors, and the pedicure ladies -- this is what's on my mind on a Sunday in November.  This is Kerry signing out, thinking about stupid crap so you don't have to. 

nothing like being direct

Sorry, I couldn't resist putting these on the blog. Some people should probably have a warning label on their undies, I think you know what I mean.

clipped from www.engrish.com

this just in: study finds men think red is sexy, woo-hoo!

I love a good study reported as news.  Don't you?  Here are the results of a study of which I'm trying to decipher.  The following is from CNN.com by Theresa Tampkins (from the Health section).

Does wearing the color red give you a sexual edge? Maybe, according to a new study, which found that men find women sexier if they're sporting a crimson hue rather than, say, blue or green.

One of the images used in the study that found red clothing fans the flames of passion.

However, red won't make you look smarter or more competent, says study author Andrew Elliot, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of Rochester in New York.

"We only found the effect for attraction, so males don't rate females in red as more intelligent, more likable, or as having a better personality; they only rate her as sexier and more attractive," he says.

Men also were more likely to say they wanted to have sex with a woman and that they would be willing to spend more on a date if she were in red, according to the report in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

In a series of five studies, about 150 heterosexual men (homosexual men and those with red-green color blindness were excluded) rated photographs of women framed in red, white, gray, green, or blue, or with the woman in a red or blue shirt. On a 7-point scale, with 1 being the least sexy and 7 a white-hot sex goddess, the color red added about 1.25 points to the rating, says Elliot.

So, just to be clear, is it only while women are wearing red?  What if you -- and I'm not naming names or anything -- have red hair? You know, like any of the 2 -6% of us in the US who have naturally red hair.  Guess we'll never know.  Damn, I'll never know if I'm sexy or not.  Guess I'll have to conduct my own study.  I'll be hanging out in Home Depot tomorrow afternoon in the power tool section.

I love the part about not rating females in red as more intelligent or likable, because frankly, who the hell cares?  Even more, I LOVE the part where they state homosexual men and men with red-green color blindness were excluded from the study.  Yeah, that would have made the study useless! By the way is "white-hot sex goddess" a scientific term?  I'll have to ask some friends in the scientific community.  I'm pretty sure I missed that in my biology classes, but I might have been writing "Mrs. Andrew McCarthy" on my Trapper Keeper the day that was covered.

Being a redhead, I've never worn a lot of red.  But now that I've thought about it a little, I do get a lot of attention when I wear my red cardigan.  No man can resist a chick in a cardigan.  That just screams white-hot sex goddess.

long tall salliemae.com

I wasn't going to really post today, but I just finished dealing with my student loan online (you know, the one I have from college, but the degree wasn't included -- always read the fine print, a little tip from me to you, dear readers) and I couldn't get this out of my head.

Okay, so Scott asked me what we owe on my loan, I said I'd check.  That started the whole thing.  A simple question turned into an afternoon of Sallie Mae annoying the hell out of me.  By the way, what is it with loan companies names?  Sallie Mae, Fannie Mae, Freddy Mac?  It's weird.  Anymae, I tried to log onto the site and I put in all the log-in names I could think of, but struck out each time.  I went with Plan B, where they email you your log-in name, well, that didn't work either.  They have an email address for me I haven't had for almost a decade.  People change email addresses, but Sallie Mae makes you re-register if you've changed your email address and can't remember your log-in name because you've been paying them like a good citizen all these years and hadn't needed to go to their website and don't have a statement handy to get your account number.

The re-registration process was painful.  I picked my user name, filled in all the stuff and they tell me my user name is in use, well no freakin' s**t, Sallie Mae!  It's in use because it's still me and you won't let me log-in!  I've used the same user name for everything for the past 11 or so years, so there you go.  I picked another user name and proceeded on to the weirdest thing I've encountered in an online registration.  It wanted me to pick 5 security questions.  Five.  I think it's easier to get into the Pentagon's site.  Damn.  I have 3 kids -- I can't think of five answers and this isn't freaking Who Wants to Be a Millionaire.  Here's the questions I had to choose from, the for-real questions.   Guess which ones I chose.

What is the name of your last school attended?  Don't you have that?  It's the one I have the damn loan for.

What is the last name of your favorite grade-school teacher?  Mr. Hayes.  He was cute and that's the reason I never paid attention during math.

What is the name of your favorite band or musician?  The greatest band in the world, Morris Day and the mother effin' Time!

What is the name of your favorite book author?  Book author?  Really?  Dr. Seuss.

What is the name of your favorite relative as a child?  What kind of question is that?  What if I was an orphan?  I'm not, but let's say I was.  What if I was raised by mountain lions.  Or ninjas.

What is your greatest fear?  Way to bring down the mood, Sallie.  Owls.  Everybody knows they're creep city.  Oh, and those Furby toys, those freak me out, too, 'cause they look like owls.  Oh, and Dick Cheney.

What is the street your favorite residence is on (no abbreviations e.g. East versus E.)?  What?  Weird question, but an easy one.  Elvis Presley Blvd. Boulevard, excuse me.

What is your favorite vacation spot?  Anywhere Scott and I can get away without the munchkins.  But not Canada.

What is the name of your best friend from childhood?  Define childhood.  Elementary school, middle, high school?  You're not going to call them are you?  Is this for a character reference?

What is the make and model of your first car?  Barbie Corvette, jealous?

What was your first job?  Define job.

What is the name of the first grade school you attended?  What's with the obsession with my childhood?  Are you my psychiatrist?   I've moved on, so should you.  Thanks to doctors, medications, and Ben & Jerry I'm doing fine, now, really.  Thanks for your concern.

What is the name of your first pet?  Again with the childhood questions?  Why bring up bad memories?  My first dog was named Shine and she ran away or at least that's what my liar, liar, liar pants on fire parents told me.  Then I found out they gave her away.  And Sam my Cocker Spaniel didn't go to live on a doggie farm, either!  Great, now I'm upset.

What is your mother's maiden name?  Is she paying my loan off?  Then I don't think you need that information. Fine, it's Liesaboutpets -- it's an Indian name.

I feel better now.  I don't know why Sallie Mae's "security" questions were so hostile.  All I wanted was to find out what my loan balance was and now I can't get owls and my deceased pets out of my mind.