scraps & lagniappe

lookie who has a show on tlc

And now, the promo for TLC's new show "Sarah Palin's Alaska."

 

Yes, she really said “I’d rather be doing this than in some stuffy old political office. I’d rather be out here bein’ free.”

Full disclosure: I've never been president or vice president, so I can't be absolutely positive, but I believe there is a great deal of office stuff involved.  Good thing she and McCain weren't elected -- it totally would have cramped her style, man.

photo study: healthcare bill signed into law

This is not a political blog.  There are plenty of political blogs on the interwebs and plenty of fine bloggers who do a fine job of reporting and/or editorializing the beltway as they see fit.  Any political commentary you may read on The Kerry Blog is strictly to be taken with a grain of Splenda and is meant as satire only.  

That being said, have you seen this f*ckery?

There was a bill signing at the White House today, you may have heard about it..  People took pictures.  I saw humor in them.

All of today's photos were stolen from Huffingtonpost.com.  

 It's always embarrassing when no one meets your high five.  Just sad.  

Who the hell let Gary Coleman in the White House?  Mr. Potter from It's a Wonderful Life is ashamed.  Pelosi can't clap with her eyes open.  And what's with the blue bracelet?  These Washington peeps can't accessorize for shit.  Someone get Rachel Zoe or Robert Verdi on the phone.  Stat.  

 Everyone is overjoyed  that Gary Coleman will have healthcare at last.  

 "Settle down, mofos."

 "How you fine ladies doin'?  Why yes, I am Tiger Woods.  

decade wrap-up in 7 minutes

Here is pretty much all you need to know about the first decade of this century in 7 minutes.  From Newsweek.

have a great weekend or else

Have a great weekend.

Do it for Chaka Khan Chantal Biya, the First Lady of Cameroon (who is not Chaka Khan).  Mrs. Biya wants you to have a good weekend, don't let her down.

This photo is from Wednesday's trip to the Met.  First Family pic courtesy of the U.S. State Department. 

This is what the State Department's Flickr page says: This official White House photograph is being made available only for publication by news organizations and/or for personal use printing by the subject(s) of the photograph. The photograph may not be manipulated in any way and may not be used in commercial or political materials, advertisements, emails, products, or promotions that in any way suggests approval or endorsement of the President, the First Family, or the White House.

The Kerry Blog is pretty much a news organization.

I found even more glorious photos of Mrs. Biya from around the interwebs.  Let's take a look at my new favorite person.

Here's Mrs.Biya meeting the Pope.  Yeah, Barack -- don't think she just gets gussied up for you.  

Somewhere in Detroit, Aretha Franklin is on the phone with her milliner bitching him out.

Oh, and if you don't have a good weekend, don't say I didn't warn you.

Mrs. Biya will cut a bitch.                                                                                     

that's what I'm talking about

this is for my friends on the right.  Betcha would've voted for Obama if you knew you were getting your very own unicorn!

and just because I'm living in a bad sitcom (Molly has a fever, Katie's throwing up, and snotty Andrew ate so many Tootsie Rolls that he fell asleep in front of the tv and was literally stuck to the carpet) and needed a laugh, I give you this little gem:

and I wrote this haiku for Frugal Beth's haiku-loving 9 year-old, Sarah:

it's January

oh so cold and sometimes warm

you can wear capris

and here's another one, just because I can't sleep:

in elusive dreams

this sleep is just a rumor

taunting my eyelids

what to wear for the inauguration

For as long as I can remember I've been a news and politics junkie.  My family didn't particularly follow politics, there were never any News Week magazines around the house, we didn't talk current events around the dinner table -- but I loved the stuff.  During election season I was always hooked to the tv watching the debates, election night returns, inauguration, and the balls.  My favorite was the MTV inaugural ball with Natalie Merchant and Michael Stipe singing "To Sir With Love" in 1993 -- it was Clinton's year.  And you don't have to be a Clinton fan to love that. 

But as much as I love politics and the whole spectacle of the pomp and circumstance, I've never donned at campaign t-shirt or put a bumper sticker on my car. 

That may change.

I have found what may be the most evil-genius political shirt in the history of our nation.  It's the Obama riding a unicorn tee.  You can pick one up from Chris Bishop.

It isn't often I wish I had come up with an idea or image I've seen, but this is one of them.

Nothing says "welcome to the era of change" like Obama riding a unicorn.  He's bringing change, and he's bringing it on a magical mythical creature! 

Now, you don't have to be a Democrat to think this is superfantastic.  If it was Sarah Palin on a unicorn, I'd be saying the same thing.  But being a hunter, she would probably shoot the unicorn or whatever mythical beast on her t-shirt.  I think she would probably choose a pegasus, you know, for those long flights back and forth to Alaska.  Definitely a pegasus.  And John McCain would pair best with a griffin.  George Bush probably thinks jackalopes are real, so let's put him on a shirt with a jackalope.  For the badass of the group, Cheney -- it's Cheney and the chupacabra, 'cause those things are damn scary.  I'm sure I'll have nightmares tonight just for thinking about them.  And Cheney for that matter. 

Speaking of nightmares, have you seen the trailer for the new movie where the chick is haunted by her unborn dead twin?  Man, is that some freaky or what?  I'm never going to get to sleep tonight.  Chupacabra, Cheney, and that freaky movie will have me up 'til the middle of the night, I'm sure.  I'll be up ordering t-shirts.  I'll get one for you, don't worry. 

election night LIVE blogging

So, I thought for funsies, how 'bout some live blogging for election night.  Let me be your Katie Couric for the night, or at least until I get bored.

8:08 -- Obama has 174 Electoral votes, McCain has 49.  The Obama camp is chilling the champagne.

8:12 -- Looks like McCain will lose Pennsylvania, a state he campaigned hard in.  Whoops.

8:14 -- What is it about Brian Williams from NBC that gets on my nerves?

8:16 -- It's either the hair or the voice or both.  Commercial.

8:17 -- Let's check Facebook.  Oh, look, Scott's quoting Sting.

8:20 -- Back to the election.  The map's looking colorful.  Some guy will defeat some other guy in some state in Kentucky.  It was a fierce battle.  Wolf Blitzer is fierce.

8:22 -- Bring on Anderson Cooper.  There he is, looking good for the big night.  I'm voting for Anderson for cutest newsguy.

8:24 -- Why are they showing Hank Williams, Jr?  Is there a football game on tonight, too?  Why does he always wear sunglasses?

8:34 -- Molly came downstairs because her loose tooth is bothering her.  I gave her Tylenol and sent her back to bed.  Better stay there, too, this is an important night for tv.

8:41 -- CNN projects Obama to win Ohio.  No Republican in modern times has been elected president without winning Ohio.  I believe Lincoln was the last one, but that was a long, long time ago.  CNN guy with the magic board says he would need a miracle to win.  Bet McCain started praying.

8:44 -- The Senate is going blue.  Oh, here's one of the commericals that's all sciencey and all I hear is "wah wah wah wah wah."

8:47 -- What the hell is wine consignment?  Can you put wine on consignment?  Why not just buy it in a store like everyone else?  Whatev.

8:49 -- They're projecting McCain to win Louisiana.  Not surprized.  Bring back my boyfriend Anderson Cooper.

8:52 -- I know they say Anderson's gay, but he's cute.  The silver fox of tv anchors.  Tell me all about the election, Anderson.

8:55 -- I don't know if Scott's going to read this or if he knows about my celebrity crush on Anderson Cooper, but I don't think he has anything to worry about.  I don't think I'm Anderson's type anyway.

9:01 -- Wolf Blitzer and his beard are talking about going home once Obama gets to 270 votes.  Oh, Wolf, you can't do that, Anderson says.  David Gergen says Obama will have to decide if he wants to unite the country.  Brilliant idea.

9:05 -- How do I become a political pundit?  I think I could do that.  Plus, I'd get to hang out with Anderson and play with that magic board.  I want one of those.

9:08 -- James Carville kind of looks like Golum from Lord of the Rings, but he sounds kind of like Foghorn Leghorn.

9:09 -- The pundits are about to fight.  Cool.  There is yelling.  Calm down white boy in the blue tie.

9:12 -- Arkansas goes to McCain.  Shocker.  Commercial.  I have a toothache, where did that come from.  Still never had a cavity at 34.  I think it's my wisdom tooth trying to come in.  This happens every once in a while.  Weird, huh?

9:19 -- The magic board again.  I think any minute Foghorn Carville is going to run up the the magic board and mess it all up.

9:22 -- Another big shock, McCain wins Texas.  Did anyone think Obama had a chance in Texas?  No.  The cowboys aren't voting for Obama.

9:46 -- Oh, hell to the no.  I took a little break to put Andrew to bed and now Anderson's talking to a hologram of WILL.I.AM  (rapper) old school Star Wars style.  Where's R2-D2?  Oh, no.  Anderson said there will be more holograms ahead.  This is creepy.

9:50 -- There's the science "wah wah" commerical again.  Oh, it's for Exxon-Mobil.  What?  I still don't know what the guy's talking about.

9:55 -- The CNN people are saying age was probably a bigger figure in the election than race.  Hmmm.

9:59 -- Wolf and his beard said Virginia goes to Obama.  Now they're projecting Obama will win.  Wow.  They're showing the crowd in Chicago -- they're going crazy.

10:06 -- The crowds are still going crazy.  I actually wasn't on the Obama bandwagon, but I get it.  I wasn't for McCain either, and am glad the Bush period is over.  The pundits are kind of stunned.  They really don't know what to say and are somber.

10:14 -- Just saw Jesse Jackson and now Al Sharpton.  Jesse was peeking over someone's head.  You'd think he'd be on tv tonight.

10:18 -- McCain's concession speech.  People booed when he said he called Obama.  That was rude.

10:21 -- Decent speech.   I'm out.   Going to go talk to friends on Facebook.  See y'all tomorrow.

And peeps, I've read the comments, y'all play nice. There's enough democracy for everyone.

tastes like democracy

And my friends ask why I would want to vote for a write-in candidate.

Best part of the Republican Convention so far

As usual, the Republican Convention is full of non-stop action!  Here's the bestest part so far (likely to be the bestest of all time).

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iET30hB7_MY&eurl=http://www.dlisted.com/]

Love that Piper Palin!  Lick that hand and slick baby Trig's hair down!  She could be one of my kids, would fit right in!

Obama said knock you out

This looks like a still from the new Ice Cube movie "Friday After the Election."  Respect your elders, Obama.  What's McCain laughing at and why does Obama look so serious?  Maybe he just saw "the Dark Knight."  I'll be back to posting layouts tomorrow, that's enough current events for this week.