scraps & lagniappe

have a great weekend or else

Have a great weekend.

Do it for Chaka Khan Chantal Biya, the First Lady of Cameroon (who is not Chaka Khan).  Mrs. Biya wants you to have a good weekend, don't let her down.

This photo is from Wednesday's trip to the Met.  First Family pic courtesy of the U.S. State Department. 

This is what the State Department's Flickr page says: This official White House photograph is being made available only for publication by news organizations and/or for personal use printing by the subject(s) of the photograph. The photograph may not be manipulated in any way and may not be used in commercial or political materials, advertisements, emails, products, or promotions that in any way suggests approval or endorsement of the President, the First Family, or the White House.

The Kerry Blog is pretty much a news organization.

I found even more glorious photos of Mrs. Biya from around the interwebs.  Let's take a look at my new favorite person.

Here's Mrs.Biya meeting the Pope.  Yeah, Barack -- don't think she just gets gussied up for you.  

Somewhere in Detroit, Aretha Franklin is on the phone with her milliner bitching him out.

Oh, and if you don't have a good weekend, don't say I didn't warn you.

Mrs. Biya will cut a bitch.                                                                                     

the Swayze post

As I said many times to friends on Facebook last night, damn you, 2009, for taking another of our pop culture icons away.  I don't know how much more we can take.

Natasha Richardson, Ed McMahon, Farrah Faucet, Michael Jackson, Billy Mays, Ted Kennedy, Walter Cronkite, John Hughes, and now Patrick Swayze.  It's the year of celebrity deaths.

The first time I remember seeing Swayze was in The Outsiders, as Ponyboy Curtis' older brother.  The Outsiders was the breakout movie for practically every up and coming male actor of the 80's (PLUS Tom Waits) and come on -- Tom Cruise playing a greaser?  shut up.  

Then Red Dawn with Jennifer Grey in 1984, which was clearly foreshadowing of Dirty Dancing.

Enter Johnny Castle.

That's right, nobody puts Baby in a corner.  And don't you forget it.  I don't know a girl who grew up in the 80's who didn't watch this at a slumber party and commit practically every line to memory.  It's not even one of my favorite movies and I know just about every line.  Aside from John Hughes movies, this film is one of the most quotable 80's movies ever:

This is my dance space. This is your dance space. I don't go into yours, you don't go into mine. 

Oh, come on, ladies. God wouldn't have given you maracas if He didn't want you to shake 'em.

But, last week, I took a girl from Jamie, the lifeguard. And he said to her, right in front of me, "What does he have that I don't have?" And she said, "Two hotels." 

I carried a watermelon.

Who hasn't carried a watermelon?  That's the proverbial watermelon.  That's when you have your chance to say something brilliant to someone you admire and instead, when they say "what are you doing here?" you say "I carried a watermelon" or something equally ridiculous, which leaves you feeling like a fool.  I have done this approximately 400,000 times in my life thus far and can only imagine it will happen again any day now.  Back in the day, there were a few Johnny Castles in my life and I proved that I was much more eloquent on paper than in person more than I'd like to remember.  Once, a teacher asked me to bring my crush's varsity jacket that he had left in her classroom to him, so I walked up to him at that afternoon's pep rally, jacket in hand.  He says "we have to stop meeting like this" (I know, how cute is that?) and I say "this is your jacket."  Well, it did have his name on it and I was queen of the obvious.  He looked down at me from over his glasses, said "thanks" and turned back to his friends.  And I wondered why he never asked me out.  

Back to Swayze.  So, we had Dirty Dancing, then Road House, then there was this:

A Difficult Choice - Watch more Videos at Vodpod.

And that's just plain awesome.  

And Ghost, which for the one person reading this blog who hasn't seen the film, is about pottery.  Oh, and dead people.

Point Break is one of the best movies in the history of ever.  If you didn't like this movie you may have an undiagnosed mental illness.  Seriously.  Point Break has sky diving, FBI dudes, bank robbery, surfing, Gary Busey -- what's not to love?

I couldn't pick a favorite part of the movie because it's just THAT awesome.  And Swayze's hair?  Sweet mother of Vidal Sassoon, his hair alone deserved an Oscar.  

But in 1995, Swayze brought it.  I'm talking about To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar.  As Miss Vida Boheme, Swayze was a flawless mentoring drag queen/ass kicker (that's right, ass kicker).  Oh, let's just go to the clip already.

When I grow up I want to be Vida.  Girl loves her accessories.  Oh, and she kicks some serious ass starting at 3:23 of this clip.

Rest in peace, Patrick Swayze.  Thank you for giving us some of my generation's most memorable characters.  You will be missed.

goodbye, John Hughes

One of my heroes passed away today. 

John Hughes was a brilliant screenwriter and director and I know much will be written about him in the coming weeks about his contribution to the film industry, his impact on my generation, and the group of actors he introduced to America.  And while I marvel at those things, what sticks out in my mind is how he was able to develop characters like Andie Walsh, Samantha Baker, John Bender, Philip F. Dale, and of course Ferris Bueller. 

Those  characters had depth you don't see much in film anymore.  That saddens me.  Ferris wasn't just a guy who wanted to skip school any more than  Sixteen Candles was a movie about a girl's birthday.  Hughes made us care about his characters.  I was 12 when Pretty in Pink came out and saw it at the old Joy Theater in Shreveport, LA.  I knew little of the social dynamics of school at the time, which was the theme of the film -- but I knew I loved Molly Ringwald's character because she believed in herself.  She was cool.  She had style.  When I reached high school, I appreciated the movie on different levels.  I understood the social element, the romantic element, and the setting.  PIP was the first movie I HAD to have the soundtrack of, which, as I have blogged before, I have replaced more than any record, tape, or cd I've ever owned. 

Hughes got teens.  He didn't talk down to them, he didn't dumb-down his movies.  He presented his stories and gave us something to think about as well entertainment.  I miss that in film and hope someone will take up his mantle. 

I've found a few of my favorite short scenes from my favorite Hughes films for you tonight.  The first and the last are great scenes without dialogue, the others are great lines.  Enjoy.   And watch a Hughes flick this weekend. 

CNN's 10 "secrets" you shouldn't keep from your doc

I'm not sure why I find CNN's practical advice stories so funny about what not to do in certain situations.  Well, maybe for starters they tell you what not to do, instead of advising you what to do in the first place.  CNN loves to give us advice because there is obviously no real news to report (sarcasm, people) and as everyone knows, it's fun to tell people what they're doing wrong.

So, I thought I'd take CNN's numbered things you shouldn't hide from your doctor, but as usual, rejecting their reality and substituting my own.  Once again, CNN's words are ittalicized and the words following the colons are mine, not CNN's (got that lawyer boys?  don't sue me).  And I'm obviously not a doctor, but I watch Grey's Anatomy and House, so I'm practically board certified or certifiable, something like that.  Whatevs. 

From finances to sex, bathroom habits to spousal relationships, herbs to illicit drugs, here are 10 things about which you should always be open with your doctor.

Don't hide from your doctor the fact that you:

1. Smoke, drink excessively, do illegal drugs

Yeah, you'd better tell your doc if you're a crack whore or if you enjoy a 3 martini lunch, happy hour, and a nightcap everyday.  Of course your "excessive" might be my "moderate," so this could get touchy.  As for me, I have doctor appointments for the next two Tuesdays and I'm going to tell my doctors I plan to start drinking. 

2. Have peeing or pooping issues

Don't play around with those issues.  Fortunately you can't die of embarrassment.

3. Take herbs

Oh hell no.  Are people still taking herbs?  I thought that was a fad.  People, the only herbs you should be using are found in your local grocery store and are called INGREDIENTS.  I took cinnamon tablets a few years ago because I heard it helped you lose weight.  The only thing it helped me lose was $20.

4. See a chiropractor or an alternative healer

It's a good idea to keep your doctors informed of your visits to the chiropractor if they don't know about that.  Better to keep all your healthcare providers in the know.  You might want to mention those visits to the voodoo queen in the French Quarter and the medicine man too, but your doc may be tipped off by the necklace with the chicken foot you're wearing and the odor of clove and hippopatamus musk about you.

5. Are having financial troubles

If you're broke and can't afford lots of tests, tell your doc.  If you have sucky insurance or a super high deductable let your doctor know.  If you've spent all your money on crack, booze, and voodoo healing you might want to mention that as well. 

6. Want cheap medicine

By all means, if there is a cheaper drug that will do the same thing, ask for it.  It's okay to be cheap sometimes.  Now, don't tell your doctor I said that when you're sitting in the exam room when you've got your Christian-Louboutin-feet in stirrups with your Louis Vuitton in your lap.  Don't be tacky. 

7. Feel depressed or anxious or stressed out

There is a big difference between a little everyday stress and dropping your basket.  I don't want to hear about you on the news, like my grandfather says.  I've had family members on the news, that's why I told my doc about my anxiety.  Remind me to tell y'all about my dad's stories from the family reunion I didn't go to (read: will never go to).  One part involves the aunt that gave us Crown Royal bags full of change for Christmas, so you know it's a good story.

8. Defied the doctor's orders

Damn.  If you aren't doing what your doctor tells you to do -- just do what your doctor tells you to do.  He or she went through a lot of learnin' to be able to tell you about your health and what is best for you.  You read WebMD and the health section of Cosmo.  It doesn't take a rocket surgeon to figure out who knows some stuff (hint: it's not you -- unless you are a doctor, and no "Dr. Feelgood" doesn't count). 

9. Don't exercise and eat badly

I haven't lost any weight since my last doctor visits, so I'm pretty sure my diet of champions and Olympic athlete-trained bod will tip my docs off to the obvious. 

10. Have a small problem you think is unimportant

Some small things aren't so small.  And ignoring medical conditions won't make them go away.  Once I ignored symptoms of asthma until I was thisclose from being admitted to a hospital in Georgia.  Being really sick isn't fun. 

Here's my favorite part of the article:

So how do you get the guts to admit these things to your doctor? "You can just say to the doctor, 'Hey, this is embarrassing for me to talk about. This is hard for me. This is a taboo topic,' " Rackner suggests.

Another option: Tell the nurse, if you feel like you connect with her better.

A third idea: "If your doctor does e-mail, try that, or just write a note," says Rackner. "Some people do better writing things than saying them."

It's the last line that I love, the third idea.  I'm going to bring a note along with me to the gynecologist that says "Dr. B -- am I a good candidate for a booby reduction?  Circle yes or no.  xxxooo, Kerry" 

I love the written word and I'm excellent at making a fool out of myself, so I think this is a great plan.  I'm a communication junkie; I wish we had email and text messaging when I was young and stupid (it would have made getting rejected and rejecting others much faster than writing notes and passing them in class or waiting until you got home to call someone.)  I'm thinking of brining a dry-erase board with me to communicate with my doctors-- heck, you never know when you may need to draw a diagram or something. 

it followed me home, can I keep it?

Okay, I've officially seen everything now.  Damn.  I'm glad I don't drink, because seeing this would be cause to stop drinking.  There is an effing pink dolphin in Louisiana.

No, your eyes aren't deceiving you, that's a pink dolphin.  It might as well have a Hello Kitty bow on it, it's so pink.  It's so pink I'm going to catch it and mount it for my scrap/office. 

I don't even particularly like dolphins, but I'm going to name this one Fluffy and keep it in my tub and play My Little Pony with it -- remember the Sea Ponies?   Fluffy will love the Sea Ponies. 

Here's a link to the story on Fluffy.  They say it's an albino, 'cause it has pink eyes and all and its skin "appears" pink.  I'll see y'all later, I've got a line on a unicorn in Shreveport -- I'll report on my findings later.

oh, CNN, stop flirting and just hire me

Once again, CNN is trying to out do me in the advice department.  I know, unbelievable.  There is a reason people come to the Kerry Blog, not just for news, not just for a laugh from time to time, but for news and advice they can trust.  Can you trust CNN?  Sure, I'd put my trust in a guy named Wolf, wouldn't you?  This afternoon on CNN.com I found a story on things you shouldn't share with co-workers.  Here's the opening paragraph:

Do you know what TMI is? Chances are you're either guilty of it or have been its victim. It stands for "too much information" and it's making daily life awkward for people across the country.

Can you really be a victim of TMI?  Can TMI kill you, break into your house and steal your valuables while you're away?  CNN, we can agree to disagree.  I've shared with you a few jobs I've held, so you know my work experience runs the gamut from Dillard's sales associate to preschool teacher to administrative assistant at a children's home.  I've been fired a lot, so I consider myself an authority on this subject.  So, the following is a 2 for 1 for your Monday.  I'm leaving the CNN numbered things you shouldn't share, but as usual, rejecting their reality and substituing my own.  Once again, the words following the colons are mine, not CNN's (got that lawyer boys?  don't sue me).

Here are 13 things you shouldn't share while on the clock:

1. Medical history: Man, I could write about this one all day.  I believe I was fired for this one a few times (I'm talking about you, MDA in an unnamed Georgia town).  The best instance is when I was fired from the Christian correspondence school for being pregnant.  I graded English essays.  Do you have any idea how much red ink I used in grading essays for a correspondence school?  A lot.  Anydropout, they fired me when I told them I couldn't drive in one morning because I was dizzy.  Jerks.  My advice, don't tell your employer your pregnant until you're at least 8 1/2 months along.  I don't care if he can see the baby kick from across the room.  I don't care if you can't reach your desk because your belly's in the way.  Sharing medical information is a bad idea.

2. Confidential work information: Yeah, that's not a good idea.  At the preschool where I worked I was up for a promotion, but this hussy told our director I didn't like the class I was supposed to be promoted to. I pity the fool who rats out a co-worker.  By the way, I didn't say I didn't like the 3 year-olds.  I like 3 year-olds. I used to be one.

3. Plans to quit: Unless you're an idiot you wouldn't tell anyone at your work that you're planning on quitting.  Don't be an idiot.  

4. Online venting sites: If you blog about your job, blog anonymously.  Don't dog out your boss on Facebook if your boss is one of your friends.  Use the common sense God gave you.  Unfortunately, some people weren't in the common sense line when God was handing sense out.  If you are one of these people, you should probably work alone.  I suggest being a Causeway toll booth operator or maybe work from home stuffing envelopes, and there is always bee-keeping. 

5. Matters of the heart: This is the issue that most annoyed me when I had a real job.  Usually I love a good love story, but not about co-workers.  I worked in Norcross, GA in an office full of individuals who were not the sharpest thumbtacks in the bulletin board and they gabbed about everything inappropriate you could imagine.  I really didn't care to hear that the geekiest dude in the office and his wife were swingers.  Ew.  Just -- ew.  Once my boss came back to the office in tears after having lunch with her boyfriend.  I was nominated by my co-workers to comfort her.  She literally cried on my shoulder.  I believe I said "there, there" and patted her back.  Uncomfortable much?  True story. 

6. Politics: Do not talk politics in the office -- unless someone mentions they have received their free unicorn from Obama and you have not. In that case, feel free.  And call me, I'd like to get in on that action.

7. Salary information: No one wants to hear that they make less moo-lah than you.  Don't be braggin' -- that's what starts East Coast-West Coast office wars. 

8. Religion: It's not a good idea to spread your religion in the workplace.  Even if everyone in your office is going to hell. 

9. Your privileged life: Here's another true story: my co-worker from the office in Norcross showed up one day in her brand new baby blue Porche Boxster her daddy bought her day before.  No one liked her in the office after she told us about "Daddy" (I never figured out if she was talking her actual father or a sugar daddy.  Funny, I never thought to ask).

10. Therapy sessions:  Dang.  Unless you work for your therapist, it's probably a good idea to keep your visits to the shrink on the down-low.  In some circles therapy is still taboo, and you never know, they might think you're at risk for going postal at your job. 

11. The Rubik's Cube that is your personal life: Trust me when I tell you this: no one wants to hear about your 3 baby daddies, your current flame, and the child-support check you still haven't gotten because baby daddy #1 got picked up for possession, #2 was with the dealer, and #3 is getting a sex change in Amsterdam.  Keep that on the down-low for sure.  You don't want people thinking you're a Lifetime movie waiting to happen. 

12. Gossip: I'm not a big gossip, so I wouldn't know anything on this subject.  Let's just say if someone has said "don't tell anyone" then maybe you should keep it to yourself.  If they say "whatever you do, don't tell _________" then you really shouldn't go blabbing their business all over the office.  I don't care if they told you they were Barbara Streisand and George Bush's love child, don't say a word.  Don't call the newspaper, don't tell the parking lot attendant who only speaks Spanish.  He says he only speaks Spanish, but that's only so people will tell him the good gossip so he can write a telenovela when he goes back to his native country. 

13. Your Chris Rock routine: It was funny on The Office because it's a TV show.  In real life, not so much.  There is a reason you work where you work, you are not Chris Rock.  Also, not a bright idea to use that kind of language at work.  Unless you work with deaf-mutes, maybe you could get away with it.  But no, generally not a good idea to do your Chris Rock (or George Carlin) routines for your co-workers. 

CNN, I'm not waiting for the phone to ring.  I've got a good gig right here, baby.   Unless you think Anderson Cooper could use a cute redhead correspondent.  Did I say correspondent?  I meant co-anchor.  Except when he goes to the jungle and the desert  -- I'll call in sick on those days.  Call me.

(please please please) be my Valentine

A few weeks ago I wrote a guest post for my friend Will Maranto's blog (a quite enjoyable blog you should check out) about writing and my love for a certain typewriter I'm coveting and right now I'm thisclose to getting it.  Yes, I know, I'm usually the tech girl and this is way low-tech, being that it's manual, but the 1969 Olivetti Valentine typewriter is a thing of beauty.  I'm just hoping some punk or hussy doesn't come drive up the price on my Valentine's Day gift to myself.  

I'm not going to go into why I need this typewriter, just know that I need it. 

Look at those keys.  

You did notice it's red, didn't you? 

Did I mention the case it comes with doubles as a wastepaper bin?  Genius.

And it says "valentine" right on the front to remind me of how smitten I am with this machine. 

If for some reason I am outbid on the Olivetti Valentine, I will assume one of my readers has purchased it for me as a "your blog is the bestest in all of blogdom" Valentine gift. 

On a completely different note, I wouldn't usually ask my dear readers to come to the aid of any causes (because I know all my wonderful peeps are charitable to start with), but if you live in the area and have the resources, the Covington Food Bank may have to close at the end of the week if it doesn't get any food donations.  If you are able to help, it would make a make a very real difference in someone's life.  Not to get on a soap box, but the recession is hitting home for a lot of people and I don't see the $800 billion stimulus package feeding anyone this week and I still haven't received my damn free unicorn either. Here's more on the Covington Food Bank if you would like to help. 

http://www.wwltv.com/topstories/stories/wwl020809cbfoodbank.3048199f.html

What the hell Friday: all the news that's sh*t

Edit:  If you're not in the mood for a semi-rant, just scroll to the bottom for some good 'ole Kerry Blog fun.

I'm sorry for the expletive, but I've been cursing more than usual and I blame the news.  Today's topic title comes from the idea behind the New York Times masthead and their slogan "all the news that's fit to print" which Rolling Stone changed to "all the news that fits" for the debut of the magazine in 1967.  But now, all the news that's sh*t seems to be a better phrase. 

This is a painful topic for me, being a news junkie and all.  I've loved all things journalism since I was 11 or so and I tend to soak up as much information as I can, via print, television, and the interwebs as a rule.  I took journalism for five years in high school, yes five (that's a whole 'nother post), and the only reason I didn't go into journalism in college is because I wanted to write fiction, not straight news.  But I did love my time writing for the Byrd high school newspaper and The Shreveport Times, I learned a lot and was in my element, at least one of them anyway.  But that's when news was news.

I have a beef with the media these days.  I guess I should restate that: I have a beef with the news media, our trusted news sources, the Big 3, the CNNs, and the local stations, too.  Why?  Here's why:

As I write this, at 1:40 CST, these are the top headlines on the CNN homepage:

• Pay cap proposed for Wall Street 'idiots' 27 min
• Giuliani: Fat cat bonuses help keep NYC afloat
• Brown: Not the time for Wall Street bonuses
• CNNMoney: Task force will assess middle-class
• Deadly storm blamed for massive outages
• Jason & Jared's Capitol Hill venture | Video
• Alaska volcano appears ready to blow
• Haggard explains his sexual preference
• Ticker: Big surprise in race to lead GOP
• Octuplets mom has 6 other children
• KTXA: 14 hospitalized in carbon monoxide leak
• Obama girl look-alike model in spotlight
• iReport.com: Can you eat well for under $10?
• 'Stuff White People Like'
• Libraries in suspense over lead regulations
• Pole dancers spice up school program
• Burglars break into Amy Winehouse's home
• 'Mittens' the cat hits slopes on sled
• CNN Wire: Kentucky battered by winter storm

Let's examine this, shall we?  Disgraced minister Teg Haggard sexual preference is not news.  I don't care if it's sex with both teams of whoever the hell is in the Super Bowl or their mascots, it's not news.  It's just not. 

Neither is the crazy woman who has had octuplets.  Why?  Because she has 6 children at home and went through fertility treatments to have the new babies.  That's not news.  I know I'm going to get flack for this, but because I'm riled up already, I don't care.  Here's my view:  just because you CAN have babies doesn't mean you SHOULD.  The smallest baby was 1.8 lbs.  What kind of problems do you expect these babies to have?  And the woman lives with her parents, no mention of the father.  At best this is a story for the Health section, under ethics (and no, I'm not a medical expert, but I do have common sense). 

No, the Obama girl look-alike is not news.  Please.

Neither is Stuff White People Like, although it is a funny website. 

Eating well for under 10 bucks is a Living story. 

Pole dancers?!  Pole freaking dancers?!  Is CNN just trying to tick me off or what?  This is so not news.  Not effing news.  No effing way.  You know what would be news?  If I were a pole dancer. 

Amy Winehouse's house being burglarized?  What were they after, her crack pipe?  Not news.  Not unless they broke in and found shiny ass unicorns dancing the can-can with Amy's wig. 

Mittens the cat -- now CNN is mocking me.  This is Star Magazine stuff.

Do you see what I mean?  Does anyone remember that we're in a recession, a war, massive debt, environmental crisis -- just to name a few?  I know those subjects aren't fun, but that's what news is.  News is serious business, you know news is serious because newscasters wear suits.  Suits are for serious situations.  Frivilous stories belong in entertainment and silly blogs and things.  Mittens the cat should be on FUPenguin.  Amy Winehouse belongs on TMZ.  The Obama girl look-alike, who cares?   To be fair, the Obama thing is a Feature and should appear in Living, nowhere near the CNN top stories.  These things should be tucked at the bottom in the categories in which they belong.

I don't know what happened to reporting serious news.  I miss Dan Rather and Tom Brokaw. 

In case you're thinking it's just CNN and to show both sides, here's the top FOX News stories at 2:58 CST:

• Deadly Storm Blamed for Massive Outages | PHOTOS
• Iraq in Lockdown on Eve of Elections | PHOTOS
• Alaska Volcano Appears Ready to Blow
  - PHOTOS: See Mount Redoubt Ruuuuumble
• FOXBusiness: Consumer Sentiment Remains Weak
• Obama, Chief Justice Roberts Prepare to Face Off
• Ailing Fidel Castro Throws First Punch at Obama
• Death Row Inmate Sends Map Leading to Body
• Dad Fatally Stabbed in Front of Daughter at Bus Stop

• Ship Suspected of Carrying Arms to Hamas Searched
• What Do Politicians' Signatures Say About Them? | PHOTOS
• 8 Dead in Butcher Shop Bloodbath After Botched Heist
• Tainted Peanuts Contained 'Filthy, Putrid' Substance
  - RAW DATA: List of Recalled Peanut Butter Products
• Embezzlement Suspect Threatens Suicide in Casino
• Amy Winehouse's London Home Burglarized
• Uninvited Sister Attacks Bride at Wedding Reception
• Drew Peterson's Fiancee Moves Out After Breakup

Now, the Kerry Blog is anything but Fair and Balanced, so I'm calling FOX out -- y'all ain't reporting the news either!  Yeah, I said it.  The politicians' signatures, sister attacking the bride, Drew Peterson's fiancee, and Amy Crackhouse  -- not the news, not even close. 

Just for fun, and because I'm in a mood, here's the news story of the day that I'm making up off the top of my head, because that's where I keep my bestest ideas. 

BREAKING NEWS:

SPACE HOOKERS HAVE LANDED, OBAMA DEFERS TO BILL CLINTON

Reports are coming in from the MId-West of Space Hookers landing in cornfields.  President Obama has deferred to former President Bill Clinton on this issue, citing the current economic crisis and Clinton's accomplishments  in diplomatic affairs. 

When contacted for a comment, former President Bush said, "there's hookers in space?  DAAYUUUM!"

Please stay with KBN the Kerry Blog Network for further developments .  We now return you to your regularly scheduled program. 


The photo comes courtesy of plaidstallions.com (my current obsession) and I made the Breaking News pic on icanhascheeseburgers.com. 

open letter to Jessica Simpson

Dear Jessica,

Can I call you Jessica?  I know we've never met, but I'm cool and not stalkery in the least, so I'll call you Jessica.  True, I don't know any of your songs and not seen a single movie you've made, but I have tried on a pair of Jessica Simpon shoes, so I think we're pretty tight.  Glad we got that over with.  I'm writing to you because you're all over my interwebs today and honestly, though it is by no fault of your own, you're preventing me from getting some work done. 

Don't cry, it's not your fault, it's those bad bloggers, I'm not one of them, I promise.  These evil bloggers are calling you fat.  Now, I would never say that because I don't think you're fat, you're not!  And who the hell cares if you've gained a few pounds?  You're dating that Tony Romo guy, you're happy, maybe you're hitting Taco Bell a little more often, I don't know -- I love the Taco Bell, myself, it's okay.  It's a Kerry Blog scientifically-proven fact that people gain a little weight when they're happy.  For instance, my hubs has gained some pounds since marrying me and it's obviously because I make him so freaking happy.  What do you mean I can't prove that?  Jess, I'm on your side, don't make me slap you.  Again with the crying?  Oh, come on, I was just kidding.

It's pathetic that the mean bloggers result to elementary school name-calling to go after you when some of us just want to help.  You're  gorgeous girl!  Lord knows if I looked like you I'd be naked all the time!  Really, you're still maybe a size 8 and I haven't been an 8 since 9th or 10th grade, I'd go to Target naked if I were an 8 -- I'd blog naked, for that matter.  Jess, you just need a girlfriend to go shopping with to help you stay away from unflattering outfits like this.  Trust me, high-waisted denim and and a double belt never did a girl with curves any favors.  I'm not saying anything about the pockets. 

Honey, come over, we'll get you fixed up with a good bra to boost the girls up (I know a thing or two about this, ask my friends), find a good pair of jeans, and I'll help you burn that infernal belt.  Really, girl, I'd fire whoever told you to wear that belt, it's all kinds of wrong.  And while you're at it, tell that make-up artist of your's to find some red lipstick, that pinky-lilac washes you out.  At least the make-up artist didn't make you look older 'cause then I'd have say ala Kanye, "THIS IS SOME BENJAMIN BUTTONS SHIT!"  And red lipstick just makes you feel good.  You'll have to trust me on that one, too.  For now, just go to Walgreens and get a tube of L'oreal True Red and put it on, it's practically an anti-depressant.  That is also Kerry Blog proven.  So have your people call my people (me in a British accent) and set up a shopping date, it's going to be fine. 

xxxooo,

Kerry

that's what I'm talking about

this is for my friends on the right.  Betcha would've voted for Obama if you knew you were getting your very own unicorn!

and just because I'm living in a bad sitcom (Molly has a fever, Katie's throwing up, and snotty Andrew ate so many Tootsie Rolls that he fell asleep in front of the tv and was literally stuck to the carpet) and needed a laugh, I give you this little gem:

and I wrote this haiku for Frugal Beth's haiku-loving 9 year-old, Sarah:

it's January

oh so cold and sometimes warm

you can wear capris

and here's another one, just because I can't sleep:

in elusive dreams

this sleep is just a rumor

taunting my eyelids