scraps & lagniappe

stuff in the world

There are a lot of things going on in the world -- tragedies and war and bad things in general, so I thought I'd take to the blog. 

When America invaded Iraq after 9/11, my oldest was too young to ask questions. After hurricane Katrina she was old enough to ask questions and to be afraid for months afterward when we saw storms on the news. Now she and her sister are asking about earthquakes, tsunamis, and nuclear disasters. I've explained that it was a natural disaster that damaged a nuclear power plant, but that led to the questions "what does nuclear mean? and what is radiation?" 

Parenting has never been simple, but we are parenting in different times. I've had to rely on my parenting partner, God, on how to answer my children when I have no words. This mom stuff is hard and though this isn't a mommy blog, I felt that I should address what's going on with what is on the minds of our children right now. Kids are savvier than we ever were. My children will watch the news with me when I feel it is appropriate and I encourage them to ask questions. They are only allowed on three websites and are closely supervised because the majority of the Internet is not intended for kids.

Chances are if your children are old enough to watch television they know something has happened in Japan. They may even know there is a crazy man in Libya. The thing is: they don't need to know everything, they just need to be reassured that they are safe and that you love them. As parents it's okay to ask if your children are scared about something.

And it's okay to tell them you don't know everything either, but that you love them and will protect them from anything. 

Tomorrow I'll be back to posting a song for the 30 Days. 

Love,

Kerry

lookie who has a show on tlc

And now, the promo for TLC's new show "Sarah Palin's Alaska."

 

Yes, she really said “I’d rather be doing this than in some stuffy old political office. I’d rather be out here bein’ free.”

Full disclosure: I've never been president or vice president, so I can't be absolutely positive, but I believe there is a great deal of office stuff involved.  Good thing she and McCain weren't elected -- it totally would have cramped her style, man.

things that just aren't right

There are some things in the world that just aren't right.  I have said "that's just not right" about things for years, but today takes the cake.  I'm not talking about Congress thinking they're going to pass 20 bills in the next six weeks.  I'm not talking about Kim Jong Il promoting his son.  I'm not talking about Rahm Emanuel leaving the White House to run for mayor in Chicago.  No, people, this is a whole lotta crazy.

I fired up the interwebs this morning and have my coffee, as I usually do at the crack of nine and read the news on CNN.com.  I enjoy the CNN for news as well as my Anderson Cooper.  But not today.  

On the top half of the front page is the news that Snooki, of The Jersey Shore, has struck a deal with a major publisher to write a novel.  This just isn't right.  This young lady is famous for being punched on television and for being orange.  I do not know Snooki.   I don't know if she has a passion for writing or if she has a flair for storytelling and a love of language.  I don't know if she loves the works of Shakespeare or spends her nights re-reading Jane Austen.  I only know that she somehow got a book deal.  For a novel.  With words.  

Later in the day, I checked CNN again and saw that NBC is making a remake of The Munsters.  You know, the show where the family just happens to be monsters?  Yeah.  This just isn't right.  NBC, did you not read my post full of original show ideas here on The Kerry Blog in the spring?  Who Wants to Marry a Guy with Decent Credit, Kerry Gets a Houseboy, I Want to Give Andrew McCarthy a TV Show -- any of these ring a bell? NBC, I give and give and what do you do?  You give the green light to a remake of a show no one needed in the first place.  I simply cannot take it.

This afternoon, again, on the top half of the front page of CNN.com is the headline: Bolton Wants 'DWTS' Apology.  Michael Bolton of mullet fame is apparently on Dancing with the Stars this season.  I do not watch this particular program.  I think they use the term "stars" loosely, as Bristol Palin and Snooki's buddy from The Jersey Shore are currently on the show.  Michael Bolton was recently told by a judge on the show that his was the worst performance ever in the history of the world of DWTS.  Now he wants an apology.  Seriously?  This just isn't right. Michael, I want an apology for having to look at your hair back in the day on VH1 every other hour.  These judges say things for ratings.  Have you not seen a reality show competition before?  Did your agent not tell you what you were getting into?  Did you have any backstage conversations with Sarah Palin?  

Finally, I read that Congress voted that commercials on TV are too loud.  Thank baby Jesus something is finally going to be done about this.  I could not spend one more day with commercials as loud as they are and the thought of bringing my children up in a world with loud commercials is appalling.  Talk about something that just isn't right!  We have the right to play Words with Friends on our iPhones in peace during commercials without being disturbed by the Fushigi Magic Gravity Ball or the Shake Weight.  This is America, not some third world country.  

I'll leave you with one more thing that isn't right.  

I have no words.

photo study: I love baseball

I'm not sure if I'm mentioned this before, but I love the baseball.  I don't know what it is - the spirit of the game, the excitement of all bases loaded with two outs, the concessions you can only get at baseball games, the seventh inning stretch, the tight pants... 

It truly is America's game.  

Knowing this, Prince Harry came across the pond to throw out the first pitch at the Mets vs. Twins game last week.  Luckily, someone took pictures.

 


Someone get this boy a uniform.  Look at that form, that arm - he clearly needs to be in the majors.  Prince Harry, say goodbye to your polo pony and get a green card, honey.  America needs you.   I'm emailing the President on your behalf later today.  Maybe we could do an exchange - England can have Beyonce.  And JLo.

Off the subject, but have I mentioned how much I admire all branches of the military, our nation's allies included?

photo study: meanwhile in Washington

I don't know if y'all have heard, but down south of where I live in Louisiana, in the Gulf of Mexico, there was an oil spill.  Except that it wasn't an oil spill.  An oil spill is a tanker truck turning over on the interstate.  This is thousands of barrels of oil pouring into the Gulf everyday and it's been going on since April 20th with the blast on the Deepwater Horizon rig triggering a huge spill, soiling 100 miles of coastline, threatening some of the richest U.S. fisheries and endangering a fragile marine ecosystem.  So, what does that mean to average Mr. and Mrs. America who isn't hearing about this everyday?  The spill happened one week before the start of brown shrimp season in Louisiana, that means hundreds of shrimpers are out of work, not to mention all the other fishermen who are now unemployed.  The spill is real to those families.  This also means your summer vacation to Gulf Shores or Florida may have to be canceled as oil is being reported nearing the white sand beaches.   

So, I thought I'd share some pictures of the coast, accompanied by photos of the President and Vice President in Washington this week.  

A Brown Pelican is seen on the beach at East Grand Terre Island along the Louisiana coast on Thursday, June 3, 2010. (AP Photo/Charlie Riedel)

Meanwhile, I assume this pic of Vice President and Mrs. Biden with  Cookie Monster and friends was taken at the Muppet Summit on Wetland Protection.  

I think Biden got the answer on how to save these guys from Grover.  Don't worry, EVEN BROWNER pelicans, Biden's got this!  (AP Photo/Charlie Riedel)

My man Paul McCartney was honored Wednesday night at the White House with the Gershwin Prize (I know, I wasn't invited either) and he performed "Michelle," with Obama mouthing the words in the front row.  I'm sure that being a widely publicized environmentalist, McCartney gave the president advice on how to solve the crisis in the Gulf. 

Well, maybe during the commercial breaks.  Yeah, the evening was filmed as a concert for PBS to air in July.  

Glad the president had time for that.

Dixie Carter, you will be missed

Dixie Carter passed away Saturday.  She was a wonderful actress, best known for her role as Julia Sugarbaker on Designing Women.  I loved Dixie and Julia.  Both were strong, intelligent, outspoken southern women. Julia was never afraid to speak her mind and was a role model of mine in my adolescence.  Dixie was a Republican playing a Democrat, so that shows you how talented of an actress she really was.  

I've found a few favorite Julia moments for you.  

This is a speech I should memorize -- it would come in handy, although I'm a moderate:

Julia on crazy people:

Julia gets mad (not unlike when I get mad):

Also, once someone has seen me angry they usually say "I didn't know Kerry had that in her," as Charlene did.

Speaking of angry, here's a clip from when Bernice (the crazy person talked about from the Crazy People in the South Clip) had a talk show and Julia tried to straighten poor Bernice out.  Hilarious.

Thanks for the memories, Dixie.  

i'm just a bill

From Jimmy Fallon: 

Is it just me or has Schoolhouse Rock gone gangsta?

photo study: healthcare bill signed into law

This is not a political blog.  There are plenty of political blogs on the interwebs and plenty of fine bloggers who do a fine job of reporting and/or editorializing the beltway as they see fit.  Any political commentary you may read on The Kerry Blog is strictly to be taken with a grain of Splenda and is meant as satire only.  

That being said, have you seen this f*ckery?

There was a bill signing at the White House today, you may have heard about it..  People took pictures.  I saw humor in them.

All of today's photos were stolen from Huffingtonpost.com.  

 It's always embarrassing when no one meets your high five.  Just sad.  

Who the hell let Gary Coleman in the White House?  Mr. Potter from It's a Wonderful Life is ashamed.  Pelosi can't clap with her eyes open.  And what's with the blue bracelet?  These Washington peeps can't accessorize for shit.  Someone get Rachel Zoe or Robert Verdi on the phone.  Stat.  

 Everyone is overjoyed  that Gary Coleman will have healthcare at last.  

 "Settle down, mofos."

 "How you fine ladies doin'?  Why yes, I am Tiger Woods.  

allow me to save nbc

I don't know if you've heard, but there is something of a situation over at NBC.  Jay Leno has a 9pm show that's getting canceled and he's taking back the helm of the Tonight Show from Conan (long live Coco), so it seems NBC has to make some quick programming decisions for after the Olympics end.  That's five nights of hour-long television.  Of course, they could just run Law and Order: Caddo Parish; Law and Order: Hotlanta; Law and Order: Shoplifters at Target; Law and Order: Put On Some Damn Pants, Lady Gaga; and the highly anticipated, Law and Order: Special Victims Unit: Oh, I Know You D'in't.  

So, NBC, I've taken it upon myself to save your network. I have five television show ideas for you and I'm available immediately to start writing/consulting/directing/starring -- you know, whatever I can do to help.  Call me.

I Can't Really Remember The '80s...with Beth.  You've all read about my dear friend Frugal Beth on the blog.  She's great, but she gets absolutely zero '80s references and says she doesn't "remember" the '80s.  I say throw her in a room with Flava Flav and Ozzy and see what happens.  A big screen would show video clips and we'd hear Beth say "no, I don't remember that" and Ozzy would mumble something, then Flava Flav would go "boyeeeee" for no reason.  It would be ratings gold in the 45+ market.

 Kerry Gets a Houseboy will be a guaranteed hit. And don't worry, I'm pretty sure the hubs thinks I already have a houseboy lined up, so it's cool.  It's a running joke here in the Faler house, but joke no more!  Here's the premise: cute young prospective houseboys try out to be The Houseboy.  Each week the houseboys will compete at various tasks such as laundry, dusting, cooking, grocery shopping, party planning, dishes, gardening, and helping with homework.  My girlfriends and I will sit on the judging panel, sending one houseboy packing each week.  The girlfriends and I will wear caftans and sit on chaise lounges sipping mimosas during judging.  I may have a celebrity cougar judge each week.  I'm thinking Joan Collins, Ann-Margaret, Susan Sarandon, Sharon Stone.  

In the end, I get a houseboy!  

Houseboy gets room and board.  It's a win-win!  I predict mad crazy ratings among women ages 25-95, because let's face it, this show will be basically porn for women: hot guys doing housework.  How bad could that be?  

And it could be re-run on Bravo or Logo a millions times a day.  The gays would love my show.  Kerry Gets a Houseboy = ratings gold.

Who Wants To Marry A Guy With Decent Credit?  Dana does, that's who.  This show will star my friend, Dana, who is single, loves shoes, good books, and cute guys.  She doesn't want it all, she just wants a guy with decent credit.  Each week in a Bachelor-style rose ceremony, Dana's suitors will have their credit score revealed and Dana will hand them credit cards.  If their score isn't up to par, she will say, "I'm sorry, but your card has been declined" and the poor guy will hop into his Ford Festiva and ride off into the sunset.  In this economy this show will be ratings gold.

Never Met A Job I Didn't Like will be a dramedy chronicling the misadventures of a cute redheaded 20something who may remind you of someone a lot like me a decade ago.  Our heroine puts her best foot forward in adorable mary janes, but somehow manages to get fired from every single job she lands (she quits a few along the way too).  She does everything from teach pre-school, work lots of retail, tutor high school kids, take orders for concrete, works for a non-profit, writes a textbook for a correspondence school, and dresses mannequins in a department store. You name it, she's done it -- and been fired from it.  There are lots of zany bosses, co-workers, and of course her understanding husband who just knows when she wants to answer the classified ad to be the mall Easter Bunny, she's gone a little too far.  In this economy this show will be ratings gold.

 I Want To Give Andrew McCarthy A TV Show will be a show in which I give Andrew McCarthy a TV show. 

Just because I want to see him on my TV every week.  That's it.  No more guest spots on shows.  He needs his own show.  Make him a doctor - he's done that, he's been a good TV doctor!  Make him lawyer, a writer, a professional bowler -- I don't care, just give him a show.  I would watch him read the newspaper.  It's taken me all night to blog this just because his photo is right there.  Look at boyfriend's eyes over there.  He needs a TV show.  Come on, NBC, you cancelled that Lipstick Jungle show he was in -- I say bring his character back and make it The Andrew McCarthy Show.  Trust me, there are plenty of other 30something women who have been in love with him since 1986 -- this show will be ratings gold!

There you go, NBC.  I've done all I can do.  I'm only one woman, but I'm doing what I can to help save your network.  My show ideas are out there, call me, we'll talk. I don't have an agent, so just have your people call, um, me.  

on Salinger

 One of the literary greats died this week.  I first read J.D. Salinger's The Catcher in the Rye as a freshman at Louisiana Tech, not as a requirement, but because I saw that it was on a list of most influential books of the century and figured I needed to read it.  And so, I went to the school bookstore, bought the little red paperback and brought it back to my dorm room, wrote my name inside the cover, and placed it atop my nightstand (pink milk crates stuffed with books and cds).  I didn't know what the novel was about.  In those days I read many novels for the sole purpose of becoming a better writer myself.  Reading was an important task, not just a leisure activity.

The following Saturday I would read Catcher.  It would take me into the better part of the afternoon, which was fine because I didn't have much going on that weekend.  My roommates were gone, I put cds on the 5-disc changer and set to reading, immersed in the world of Holden Caulfield.  I'd never read Salinger, but found him immediately familiar.  It was the first time while reading that I had noticed the influences of the writers who had influenced me.  To my 19 year-old mind, this was a real discovery.   

My writing philosophy is no different from anyone else -- there is nothing new under the sun.  There are new ways to tell a story, of course, there are new stories, but basically there is nothing really new-new.  Shakespeare laid the groundwork for any romantic comedy you've ever read or seen on screen.  You want drama?  I give you Shakespeare, Dickens, and Papa Hemingway (is there anything more heartbreaking than "Hills Like White Elephants"?  Oh my God.  Note to self: blog about that short story).  You want some mothereffing cerebral Southern-style Greek tragedy?  I give you my boy William Faulkner.  My point is, it's all been done and it's been done well.  

And Salinger was one of the originals.  

Salinger's style was similar to my own style of fiction then, which was greatly influenced by Bret Easton Ellis' Less Than Zero and Jay McInerney's Bright Lights, Big City, as well as Sylvia Plath's Bell Jar.  It was the oddest thing to read a classic that seemed almost as fresh as my favorites written in the previous decade as well as reminding me of stuff I had written.  Talk about bizarre.  

She was blocking up the whole goddam traffic in the aisle. You could tell she liked to block up a lot of traffic. This waiter was waiting for her to move out of the way, but she didn’t even notice him. It was funny. You could tell the waiter didn’t like her much, you could tell even the Navy guy didn’t like her much, even though he was dating her. And I didn’t like her much. Nobody did. You had to feel sort of sorry for her, in a way.

Salinger's narration was nothing less than brilliant, "you had to feel sort of sorry for her, in a way," -- he wasn't just giving you the story, he was telling you how to feel about it.  Don't think that isn't important.  This was new.  I had been exposed to it with Less Than Zero, but Salinger did it first.  He was original. 

It was also the culture of youth that made The Catcher in the Rye stand out, as was LTZ and the other novels I mentioned. What makes writing about youth culture particularly different is the place it brings the reader. What I mean is this: we've all experienced our youth, we remember parts of it fondly, some parts more fondly then others, some parts were sheer torture.  What makes that genre different from other genres is that I will never be an Elizabethan aristocrat or an ex-patriot writer in the Parisian '20s or a bullfighter's girlfriend in Spain.  But I was an insecure teenager once.  I struggled with self-doubt.  I spent a lot of time in my head trying to figure out just who I was, just like some of the characters in the novels I know so well.  We have Salinger to thank for that literary genre.  I'm thankful for that, and for the influence he had on me and the writers in the generation before me.  

Thank you, Mr. Salinger for your words.