It's hard to shock me.
Leave it to a certain blond friend of mine to make me choke on my afternoon coffee when I checked my Yahoo email. She asked me to enter this photo anonymously. I believe it's the only photo I've ever had to censor for the blog.
My good friend wrapped herself in tinsel and posed for this. I'm just glad there isn't a nativity scene close by.
Oh dear.
Behold! Melissa's entry in daylight!
If only the wisemen would have had clear signs like this maybe they would have made it to see Jesus on time.
Remember, you still have time -- send in photos of the tackiest yard in your 'hood to kerrybee7@yahoo.com and the winner will receive a $25 Starbucks giftcard. The tackiest entry will be announced on Christmas Eve!
Here's Melissa's entry for the Ugly Christmas Lawn Decor Contest.
Apparently the Christ child is to the left.
Send in photos of the tackiest yard in your 'hood to kerrybee7@yahoo.com and the winner will receive a $25 Starbucks giftcard. The tackiest entry will be announced on Christmas Eve!
Last night the kids and I hit the suburban streets of Madisonville for one of my favorite seasonal activities: looking at Christmas lights while listening to Christmas music from the comfort of our heated minivan. As usual, my idealized traditional evening turned to crap when I got lost in one of the ginormous subdivisions, the heat completely went out in the minivan (it had been working intermittently -- like windshield wipers), and the middle child had a meltdown ending in tears. Twenty minutes later, I followed someone out of the subdivision and we made our way home.
While looking at the same houses 30 times last night, I came to a conclusion: people need to get original.
I saw enough lit and inflatable trains, Winnie the Poohs, Mickeys, giant ass Santas, North Pole barber-pole-type signs, nativity sets, and Santas on motorcycles, boats, sleighs, etc to last a lifetime. It appears Mr. and Mrs. America is in a rut, so your favorite redheaded blogger took it upon herself to present a challenge. You know about The Kerry Blog Ugly Christmas Lawn Decor Contest, but I'm introducing a bonus round. If you send in a pic of something truly unique you will win an extra prize (to be determined).
Taking our inspiration from Sarabeth's Christmas Zebra, here are a few ideas to get you in the outlandish spirit.
Yes, that's Santa on a hammock, Santa getting a ticket, Grandma getting run over by a reindeer in a steamroller, and a giant inflatable dreidel. There aren't enough inflatable Hanukkah decorations are there? I'm thinking of getting some.
Remember to send in photos of the tackiest yard in your 'hood to kerrybee7@yahoo.com and the winner will receive a $25 Starbucks giftcard. The tackiest entry will be announced on Christmas Eve!
When Jennifer asked me if I'd seen the Christmas Zebra I thought she'd been hitting the egg nog a little too hard.
Then she sent in these photos as Sarabeth's entry for Kerry Blog Ugly Christmas Lawn Decor Contest.
It appears this homeowner has purchased every inflatable thing in existence. We have the snowperson family, penguin merry-go-round, and my favorite -- the mythical Christmas Zebra.
Yes, kids, it's the Christmas Zebra. I'm surprised there isn't a sunbeam shining down from the heavens on the mythical Christmas Zebra. He IS what this season is all about, after all. As you know, nothing says Christmas like a sweater-wearing striped equid. Some people will try to tell you zebras are Jewish and therefore do not celebrate Christmas, but here we have proof! Next year I'm only decorating with zebras. And unicorns because they love Christmas. Notice Santa's at the door as well as caroling by the windows. The ferris wheel is something else. What, I don't know. There is a carnival theme, but not quite.
Of course, the scene wouldn't be complete without the house band from the North Pole bar. It's the Icee Polar Bear, a penguin, and what appears to be a blind antler-wearing well-endowed kangaroo. That ain't no reindeer, peeps. Reindeer have more self-respect than this punk. I'm not sure what that is behind him, looks like he killed Santa and attempted to hide the body. Never trust a masked kangaroo in antlers, they're trouble.
Send in photos of the tackiest yard in your 'hood to kerrybee7@yahoo.com and the winner will receive a $25 Starbucks giftcard. The tackiest entry will be announced on Christmas Eve!
Let me preface this entry by saying: I have never in my life.
Seriously.
This is Jennifer C's entry and she has outdone herself. This house is somewhere in Mandeville, LA.
Readers, behold the ugly.
Yes, those are gift-wrapped columns, stuffed animals, and gift boxes. I don't know what's up with the tigers. I'm thinking LSU fans. Or maybe it's Seigfried and Roy's winter home.
Another view. I think the gift boxes bring the Christmas joy. I like stockings in the window and Elmo, because nothing says happy birthday, Jesus like Elmo taped to your shutters. Yes, that's the finest packing tape money can buy on the siding.
To fully appreciate the tacky, Jennifer took shots at night too!
I'm glad this homeowner has home security, you wouldn't want anyone to break in and steal those stuffed animals.
Okay people, send in your pics for the Ugly Christmas Lawn Decor Contest to kerrybee7@yahoo.com. The winner will be announced on Christmas Eve and I'll send you a $25 Starbucks giftcard. So, get our your camera and go find the tacky!
That's right. The Ugly Lawn Decor Contest is back. So, take a pic or video of the tackiest Christmas-decor-filled yard in your neighborhood and email it to me @kerrybee7@yahoo.com. The winner will be announced on Christmas Eve and will receive a Starbucks giftcard, so you can buy all the Peppermint Mochas you want for $25. I may even throw in some tinsel.
You know there is a lawn that defies the laws of hideousness, so send me the pic.
Just for fun, let's take a look at last year's winner from Jenn. Behold, the garage of Christmas life-size diorama:So, I wanted to end the Christmas Shopping Guide series with a bang, and peeps, I think I've found the perfect gift for the hard to buy for man in your life. I can say with full authority, I have seen nothing like this in all my 34 years, never heard of such a thing, never dreamed I'd lay eyes on anything so beautiful and wrong at the same time. What could I be referring to? Feast your eyes on this catalog page:
For your final edition of the Kerry Blog Christmas Shopping Guide, I give you custom made urinal sculptures. Yes, they are sculptures of flowers and shells. Yes, they are working urinals. Yes, I am just as confused as when I watched "The Lake House" and couldn't figure out how the heck Sandra Bullock and Keanu got together through a magic mailbox.
Being as how I'm a chick and know little to nothing about urinals, I assumed they were purely utilitarian. I was obviously wrong. I've not been in many men's restrooms, of course there was the Taco Bell men's room somewhere in Mississippi, but my knowledge on this subject is limited. So, I turned to my hubs for his opinion, who said "I have a mixture of emotions, not one is desirable, kind of like mixing ketchup and icecream." No, I don't know what that means, the hubs in an enigma.
Art has always spoken to me. I love art and I understand that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Call me crazy (wouldn't be the first time), but when I think of art, bodily functions do not jump to mind. The potty artist is is Clark Sorenson and he says the sculptures are meant to be installed and used. Now, once upon a time, I was featured in an art show, I was on the program as an artist -- at no time while viewing my work did I think, "hmm...that would look great as a toilet." Maybe it's just me.
So, if you're still looking for that perfect gift for that guy in your life and you'd like to have more art in your home, go ahead and order one of Clark's pieces. Of course, it may give you nightmares to walk into your bathroom at 2 am to potty and see a giant Calla Lily jutting out of your wall. I know that would give me nightmares. Not to mention I wouldn't be able to take the hubs joking about watering the flowers, which I know he would do everyday.
And just in case you're not a flower or shell person, maybe you can't get enough politics in your life -- well, here's the urinal for you:
Y'all, I'm not a Republican and I find this disturbing. Beyond disturbing. I'm pretty sure I'll have nightmares about this. I mean, hell, what's next -- a Cheney bidet? Ew. No, that's just, no.
Ok, later I'll post on something a little more congenial. Well, maybe not congenial, but I'll aim higher for the next post (pun intended). For now I have to get some sleep, I've spent far too much time on this post and my eyes are quite heavy.
Remember to get your entries in for the Kerry Blog Ugly-Ass Christmas Decoration Contest by Christmas Eve. Email pics or videos to kerrybee7@yahoo.com
I love my Christmas tree. I love that it's prelit and it does not bother me in the least that it's artificial because I'm allergic to the real ones anyway and did I mention it's prelit? Also, the real tree was always a source of contention in my house growing up. One year my dad was all DIY and flocked the the tree himself (great plan, huh?) and my mom was furious because we could not hang a single ornament on it, the thing was so plastered with flocking. Picture a large, solid-white cone-shaped tree in a small dining room in 1980 with a crying 6 year-old (me) and 4 year-old (crazy sis), a mom with frosted hair yelling at a dad about the flocked tree in the corner about the fact that the tinsel is sliding off. Oh, that was good times!
Anytinsel, I've never been big on real trees. I know, OH, THE HORROR of an artificial tree! But I don't care. I don't have to water it and vacuum up needles and hope there isn't a squirrel or chipmunk living it just waiting for the perfect time to come out, bite me and give me rabies for Christmas. Oh, chipmunks are all cute when they're singing "Christmastime is Here" and wearing little shirts on TV, but in the wild, chipmunks are deadly ninja-like creatures with a thirst for blood. I can't risk all that. So, here's lovely pic of my fake tree in all it's splendor.
Was there really a doubt that I would have pink snowflakes and colored glittery balls on my tree? Yeah, I didn't think so. My tree has all the stuff the kids have made, our Hallmark ornaments, and everything, so it's very colorful and fun. Just like a family tree should be.
But on the other end of the spectrum is something I call "that doesn't belong on a Christmas tree." For some reason in the past decade or so, people have been putting weird stuff on their trees and it's just getting more strange. You might not be aware of this yet, as these new breeds of ornamentation have been slowly introduced in department stores from coast to coast, mingling with the regular ornaments, right under our noses. Right at the top of my list are owls. Regular readers know I hate owls, they are creepcity. But really, what the hell does an owl have to do with Christmas? You ever heard of the Christmas Owl? NO! Here's what I saw at Macy's.
Okay, I'm just going to say it people. If you want owls, skunks, mushrooms, and other woodland creatures in your tree maybe you should
have left it in the dang forest. There, I said it. That's right, leave the tree in the forest. And if you have an artificial tree, it's a downright shame to put fake owls on a fake tree. On second thought, go ahead -- if anyone should put fake crap on a tree it should the artificial tree owners. Did you see that? I can change my mind. It can be done. While we're
at it, go ahead and put the Pottery Barn glittery acorns
and a shiny onion on your tree. Why on earth would you put an onion on a Christmas tree? That's the stupidest thing I've seen all day. I mean I'm familiar with the song "Glass Onion" by the Beatles, but I'm pretty sure they weren't singing about Christmas decorations.
You shouldn't have onions on your tree. You know what else you shouldn't put on your tree? Things that mix Jesus and Santa. You know what I'm talking about. I've seen many a yard with a nativity right next to a giant blow-up Santa, but this ornament takes the cake. It's kit from Oriental Trading. Now, I order stuff from OT every year for vacation Bible school, so I'm familiar with their site and I knew they would have some pretty tacky stuff for Christmas, but not Santa praying next to baby Jesus in the manger.
That's just wrong. Plus, it looks like baby Jesus is giving the thumbs up to Santa, like "hey, I know I'm the baby Savior and all, but we're cool, just bring me some sweet presents. Oh, and I know I'm Jewish, but my dad, you know -- God -- he's down with you bringing me a tricycle or a puppy." I'm all for the "Keep Christ in Christmas" idea, but I've been in protestant church my whole life and I'm pretty sure Santa was not at the birth of Christ. And I'm not buying that maybe he was a Wise Man, 'cause they didn't come from the North Pole and they didn't travel by reindeer either.
Now, I don't want to ruin your day with this, but I have found what are -- hands down -- the most disturbing Christmas ornaments I have ever seen. This is a whole 'nother category of fug. It's the mythical gay biker merman. Yes. Gay. Biker. Merman. Holding a Cosmo. Let's have a moment of silence. Okay, that's better. This is on par with the Patrick Swayze centaur tattoo. You know Clay Aiken has the collection: firefighter merman, cowboy merman, Indian merman, police officer merman, construction worker merman, and army merman. I could not make this up -- I'm simply just not talented enough. It's the Village People as mermen. The site doesn't say that, but come on -- it's the freakin' flockin' Village People with a few more thrown in for good measure. Y'all, I don't know whether to be in awe of the evil genius that thought of this or call the funny farm and tell them someone escaped. For realz.
Don't forget to send in your pics or videos for the Kerry Blog Ugly Ass Christmas Decoration Contest. Email the tackiest lawn in your neighborhood/town to kerrybee7@yahoo.com and I'll announce the winner on Christmas Eve. It's going to be all that and a bag of gay biker mermen! Y'all are on your own for the Cosmos, there's no open bar on the Kerry blog.
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