scraps & lagniappe

Christmas shopping guide: idea #8 -- a great ending to the series

So, I wanted to end the Christmas Shopping Guide series with a bang, and peeps, I think I've found the perfect gift for the hard to buy for man in your life.  I can say with full authority, I have seen nothing like this in all my 34 years, never heard of such a thing, never dreamed I'd lay eyes on anything so beautiful and wrong at the same time.  What could I be referring to?  Feast your eyes on this catalog page:

For your final edition of the Kerry Blog Christmas Shopping Guide, I give you custom made urinal sculptures.  Yes, they are sculptures of flowers and shells. Yes, they are working urinals.  Yes, I am just as confused as when I watched "The Lake House" and couldn't figure out how the heck Sandra Bullock and Keanu got together through a magic mailbox. 

Being as how I'm a chick and know little to nothing about urinals, I assumed they were purely utilitarian.  I was obviously wrong.  I've not been in many men's restrooms, of course there was the Taco Bell men's room somewhere in Mississippi, but my knowledge on this subject is limited.  So, I turned to my hubs for his opinion, who said "I have a mixture of emotions, not one is desirable, kind of like mixing ketchup and icecream."  No, I don't know what that means, the hubs in an enigma.

Art has always spoken to me.  I love art and I understand that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  Call me crazy (wouldn't be the first time), but when I think of art, bodily functions do not jump to mind.  The potty artist is is Clark Sorenson and he says the sculptures are meant to be installed and used.  Now, once upon a time, I was featured in an art show, I was on the program as an artist -- at no time while viewing my work did I think, "hmm...that would look great as a toilet."  Maybe it's just me. 

So, if you're still looking for that perfect gift for that guy in your life and you'd like to have more art in your home, go ahead and order one of Clark's pieces.  Of course, it may give you nightmares to walk into your bathroom at 2 am to potty and see a giant Calla Lily jutting out of your wall.  I know that would give me nightmares.  Not to mention I wouldn't be able to take the hubs joking about watering the flowers, which I know he would do everyday. 

And just in case you're not a flower or shell person, maybe you can't get enough politics in your life -- well, here's the urinal for you:

Y'all, I'm not a Republican and I find this disturbing.  Beyond disturbing.  I'm pretty sure I'll have nightmares about this.  I mean, hell, what's next -- a Cheney bidet?  Ew.  No, that's just, no. 

Ok, later I'll post on something a little more congenial.  Well, maybe not congenial, but I'll aim higher for the next post (pun intended).  For now I have to get some sleep, I've spent far too much time on this post and my eyes are quite heavy. 

Remember to get your entries in for the Kerry Blog Ugly-Ass Christmas Decoration Contest by Christmas Eve.  Email pics or videos to kerrybee7@yahoo.com

holiday pet peeves: edition 3 (I think)

I love my Christmas tree.  I love that it's prelit and it does not bother me in the least that it's artificial because I'm allergic to the real ones anyway and did I mention it's prelit?  Also, the real tree was always a source of contention in my house growing up.  One year my dad was all DIY and flocked the the tree himself (great plan, huh?) and my mom was furious because we could not hang a single ornament on it,  the thing was so plastered with flocking.  Picture a large, solid-white cone-shaped tree in a small dining room in 1980 with a crying 6 year-old (me) and 4 year-old (crazy sis), a mom with frosted hair yelling at a dad about the flocked tree in the corner about the fact that the tinsel is sliding off.  Oh, that was good times! 

Anytinsel, I've never been big on real trees.  I know, OH, THE HORROR of an artificial tree!  But I don't care.  I don't have to water it and vacuum up needles and hope there isn't a squirrel or chipmunk living it just waiting for the perfect time to come out, bite me and give me rabies for Christmas.  Oh, chipmunks are all cute when they're singing "Christmastime is Here" and wearing little shirts on TV, but in the wild, chipmunks are deadly ninja-like creatures with a thirst for blood.  I can't risk all that.  So, here's lovely pic of my fake tree in all it's splendor.

Was there really a doubt that I would have pink snowflakes and colored glittery balls on my tree?  Yeah, I didn't think so.  My tree has all the stuff the kids have made, our Hallmark ornaments, and everything, so it's very colorful and fun.  Just like a family tree should be.

But on the other end of the spectrum is something I call "that doesn't belong on a Christmas tree."  For some reason in the past decade or so, people have been putting weird stuff on their trees and it's just getting more strange.  You might not be aware of this yet, as these new breeds of ornamentation have been slowly introduced in department stores from coast to coast, mingling with the regular ornaments, right under our noses. Right at the top of my list are owls.  Regular readers know I hate owls, they are creepcity.  But really, what the hell does an owl have to do with Christmas?  You ever heard of the Christmas Owl?  NO!  Here's what I saw at Macy's.

  Okay, I'm just going to say it people.  If you want owls, skunks, mushrooms, and other woodland creatures in your tree maybe you should  have left it in the dang forest.  There, I said it.  That's right, leave the tree in the forest.  And if you have an artificial tree, it's a downright shame to put fake owls on a fake tree.  On second thought, go ahead -- if anyone should put fake crap on a tree it should the artificial tree owners.  Did you see that?  I can change my mind.  It can be done.  While we're at it, go ahead and put the Pottery Barn glittery acorns  and a shiny onion on your tree.  Why on earth would you put an onion on a Christmas tree?  That's the stupidest thing I've seen all day.  I mean I'm familiar with the song "Glass Onion" by the Beatles, but I'm pretty sure they weren't singing about Christmas decorations.

You shouldn't have onions on your tree.  You know what else you shouldn't put on your tree?  Things that mix Jesus and Santa.  You know what I'm talking about.  I've seen many a yard with a nativity right next to a giant blow-up Santa, but this ornament takes the cake.  It's kit from Oriental Trading.  Now, I order stuff from OT every year for vacation Bible school, so I'm familiar with their site and I knew they would have some pretty tacky stuff for Christmas, but not Santa praying next to baby Jesus in the manger.  That's just wrong.  Plus, it looks like baby Jesus is giving the thumbs up to Santa, like "hey, I know I'm the baby Savior and all, but we're cool, just bring me some sweet presents.  Oh, and I know I'm Jewish, but my dad, you know -- God -- he's down with you bringing me a tricycle or a puppy."  I'm all for the "Keep Christ in Christmas" idea, but I've been in protestant church my whole life and I'm pretty sure Santa was not at the birth of Christ.  And I'm not buying that maybe he was a Wise Man, 'cause they didn't come from the North Pole and they didn't travel by reindeer either.  

Now, I don't want to ruin your day with this, but I have found what are -- hands down -- the most disturbing Christmas ornaments I have ever seen.  This is a whole 'nother category of fug.  It's the mythical gay biker merman.  Yes.  Gay.  Biker.  Merman.  Holding a Cosmo. Let's have a moment of silence.  Okay, that's better.  This is on par with the Patrick Swayze centaur tattoo.  You know Clay Aiken has the collection: firefighter merman, cowboy merman, Indian merman, police officer merman, construction worker merman, and army merman.  I could not make this up -- I'm simply just not talented enough.  It's the Village People as mermen.  The site doesn't say that, but come on -- it's the freakin' flockin' Village People with a few more thrown in for good measure.  Y'all, I don't know whether to be in awe of the evil genius that thought of this or call the funny farm and tell them someone escaped.  For realz. 

Don't forget to send in your pics or videos for the Kerry Blog Ugly Ass Christmas Decoration Contest.  Email the tackiest lawn in your neighborhood/town to kerrybee7@yahoo.com and I'll announce the winner on Christmas Eve.  It's going to be all that and a bag of gay biker mermen!  Y'all are on your own for the Cosmos, there's no open bar on the Kerry blog.

ugly is a four letter word: Jennifer's entry in the Ugly Ass Christmas Decoration Contest

When I announced this contest I had no idea it would cause such a stir.  Who knew from that as far away as across town Jennifer would take camcorder in hand and go in search of what may be the flockin' tackiest house I've ever seen (flockin': def a synonym of the F word to be used around the holidays.  etymology: according to Jenn, her husband and bro-in-law invented the word in this manner -- Christmas + tree + cursing = flockin'). 

Here in Jenn's own words is her description.  Enjoy and don't forget to comment. 

I remembered that one street over from mine was this house that was decorated in years past, and lo and behold, like manna from heaven, this is what I found.

Now this lot is no more than 75x125 and every inch of it is covered in crap! Not only are there the inflatables, the Baby Jesus and his peeps, animated Santa waving his hand, the blinding flashing snowflakes but hark! What's that in the garage? A sheet of plexiglass with a plethora of more crap! With music!  (The music you hear in my video is not from my car but their house! How would you like to live next to these freaks?)

Oh and so much for being stealthy! I had already gotten some shots and greedily circled back to get more and the homeowner walks out to fix the gi-normous Frosty! Oops!


Editor's note:  please note that the garage has been turned into a life-sized diorama.  This better not get out to my neighbors or that kind of crap will be all over my subdivision and I'll be forced into a life of crime.  I'll be the Robin Hood of Christmas decorations.  I'll steal from the tacky and give to well, an undisclosed dumpster.  Or I may set them up on friends lawns for fun.  Or give them to a couple of my friends way up north in Bossier City to use for shooting practice.  Anymisdemeanor, at least I wouldn't have to see them anymore. 

nothing says holiday like a tacky contest (with a tricked-out banner)

The pressure is on, people. 

Jenn sent in the first entry in the Kerry Blog Ugly-Ass Christmas Decoration Contest.  And...it's a video.  She went above and beyond for this stupid contest. 

If I know my readers, y'all know tacky when you see it, so get the camera and  seek out the tackiest yard in your neighborhood.  If you need inspiration, view the videos in the left sidebar. 

Enter as many times as you wish and include a description (please no addresses of the tacky house).  Yea!