scraps & lagniappe

jobs I'd be perfect for

My post on Edie Brikell got me thinking about jobs I'd be perfect for.  Here's the list.

1. song picker for movies
2. ice cream flavor namer-person
3. anti-frizz hair product tester
4. moral compass
5. maryjane shoe designer
6. professional Trivial Pursuit player
7. big coffee cup designer
8. music reviewer
9. wig model
10. nonsense blogger
11. coffee taste-tester
12. haiku author
13. radio talk show therapist
14. back-up singer
15. professional iTunes playlist maker
16. tagline maker-upper for random things
17. detective
18. pajama designer
19. doctor's office magazine rearranger
20. petite plus sized model (sounds like an oxymoron)

blog lost and found

Because I'm a blooming genius and never hit save until the end, I just lost a post I'd been writing for the past two hours, that was actually started on Friday.  It was good.  You're just going to have to go along with me on this one, trust me, it was some fine writing -- highly entertaining and informative at the same time.  Infotainment, if you will.  But it's gone. 

Just so you know, this is a dramatic reenactment of what I did upon realization that my post was lost.

what the hell Friday

There used to be a regular feature here on The Kerry Blog called What the Hell Friday, that for some reason I'd forgotten about, but today -- back by no one's demand -- it's What the Hell Friday.

It's a Friday night.  You know what that means: par-tay!  I'm going to watch the documentary Objectified (from the same people that brought you Helvetica, an entire feature-length doc about fonts!) because that's just how happenin' it is around my house.  Look out, it's documentary night!  Woo-hoo!  Don't everyone rush over to join the fun at once, there is limited parking and we'll all have to gather around my laptop to watch.  Oh, it's going to be a night.  You never know, I may get wild later and listen to a podcast!  It might get crazy around here and I may debate friends on Facebook over politics in my pajamas, you never know.  I was going to color my roots, but that would bring a little too much excitement to the party.  I mean, why not spread the fun throughout the weekend? 

Before my wild night gets started, I thought I'd bust out something I came across on The Huffington Post this afternoon, which made me decide to bring back the Friday feature.  It's Handerpants, underpants for your hands.

Yes, it's a real product.  Perhaps intended as a joke, but a real product one can order nonetheless.  They're touted as being ideal for night bloggers.  I think I know what all my blogger friends are getting for Christmas.  Nothing says "merry Christmas" like blogging with underpants on your hands. 

it was just an honor to be nominated

I don't know if you heard, but I've been awarded the Nobel Prize for Literature  in the lesser known among prizes,  Dumb Blog Category.  Sure, it's not as sexy as the Nobel Peace Prize (which I was also nominated for, being that I haven't murdered anyone in the 35 years I've been annoyed by people) or some of the other prizes, and hell, I don't even get a gold statue like at the Oscars.  It was just an honor to be nominated, so you can imagine my reaction when I got the call.  It went a little something like this:

Me: Hello.

Nobel Prize People: May I speak to Kerry Branton Faler?

Me: For real.

NPP: Um, okay.  Mrs. Faler, this is Georg with the Nobel Prize for Literature Committee.

Me: What the hell kind of name is Gay-org?  Is this a joke?

Georg: It's Swedish, I'm Swedish -- listen, I'm calling to congratulate you for winning our Prize for Literature in the blog category.

Me: Cool!  What do I win?

Georg; A medal.

Me: A medal?  Like a gold medal?  Like the freakin' Olympics?  Hell yeah, it's about time.  My blog is like a damn decathlon of awesome.

Gerog: Well, it's gold-plated.

Me: I'm more of a silver person or platinum, of course. 

Georg: You don't get to pick, Mrs. Faler.

Me: Alright.  This is in Sweden right?  Do I win like a Ikea gift card or something?  I do love the Ikea.  You know, Georg, you could live in an Ikea.  Really, they have food and everything. 

Georg: No, just the medal and there's a reception --

Me: I hope there are Swedish meatballs.  Those are some good.

Georg: The menu hasn't been set yet -- Mrs. Faler, I take it you accept?

Me:  Hellz yeah!  I'm there!  Oh, which post was the winning one or is more of a cumulative thing?

Georg: The award is  --

Me: I bet is was my Christmas post about when I got the Crown Royal bag of change from one of my aunts.  Good times, good times.

Georg: No --

Me: Oh, the New Year's post about when I was stuck at the party when I was 17 and got a ride home from Ray Ray and Tiny? Ah, memories.

Georg; No --

Me: The Eff-it List?  That was funny.  Or maybe y'all go for the more meaningful stuff like my Carry That Weight Post?  I thought that was some mighty fine writing if I do say so myself.  I mean, it was the Semi-Serious Kerry, not the Silly Kerry that writes about way too much about boobs and naked people furniture and 80's post-punk music.  Hey Georg, you know a good band who was Swedish and kinda cool -- Roxette.  I haven't written about them.  Yet.  Maybe one of my music posts won.  I write like two of those a week, but I wouldn't think those would be Prize worthy.  I mean, not when I write such gems as the post on my Thanksgiving trip to Shreveport last year and that insanity, oh and the Ghetto Sno-Kone mobile.  Georg, my blog posts are like my children, I can't pick a fave, you know what I mean?   Come on, Georg, don't leave a sistah hangin'.

Georg: uh

Me: Georg?  Grand Master G, you there?

Georg: Mrs. Faler, it is, as you said, more of a cumulative thing.

Me: Ah, gotcha.  Have you ever read my blog, Georg?

Georg: No, Mrs. Faler, I just make the phone calls.  

Me: Oh, okay.  So, you have no idea what I've been talking about?

Georg: No, Mrs. Faler.

Me: Well, Georg, you'll have to excuse me, I have this undiagnosed-as-of-yet form of Tourette Syndrome, where I talk with absolutely no editing filter, saying potentially embarrassing things.  Like all the time.

Georg: I don't think that's a real disease.

Me: Oh, I beg to differ, Georg.  If I didn't have it, why would I have said the words "Hello Kitty vibrator" while having lunch with friends a couple of months ago?   I mean, normal people don't just blurt that out over pizza, Georg.

Georg: No, of course not. 

Me: And I didn't even realize I said it until I told another friend and she said "you said 'Hello Kitty vibrator' out loud in front of so and so" and I said yes, because I obviously cannot control it and like that sort of thing just comes up in conversation.  That's what I'm talking about -- having no editing filter, so just ignore what I said about boobs and naked people furniture, okay?

Georg: What kind of blog did you say you write?

Me: Shouldn't you have that in your handy-dandy info, Georg? 

Georg: My information says that you write a hobby blog on scrapbooking.

Me: Yeah, about that -- it started out being about that, but kind of went in a different direction, hence the "lagniappe" part.  That means "a little something extra," except that my blog is mostly lagniappe.  And clothes and Beyonce and sometimes I live-blog stuff and talk about the crap you can buy in the Sky Mall catalog.  Oh, and sometimes I even post something about scrapbooking.  

Georg: It was a pleasure speaking with you, Mrs. Faler, but I have to call a few more Prize winners now.

Me: Same here, Georg.  Hey, you know -- you should show up with balloons and a giant check like the Publisher's Clearing House people, that would be cool.

Georg: But we give medals --

Me: I can't wait for those meatballs, Georg!  You take care now! 

islands in the stream of consciousness

So, I've spent all day in front of not one, but two computers working on the ScrapFest! site, composing an email for da Fest, and making new graphics.  Yeah, it's been awesome.  What else did I do today?  Waited on the new mattress to be deliverd.  Don't be jealous.  I'm tired and in bed, but can't sleep because I'm all wound up from Grey's Anatomy.  Damn show.  So, here's more stream of consciousness, because attempting a real post would take real thought and I'm hoping the Unisom will kick in any minute.  Am I too honest with you people?  Probably so. 

My life is an open book.  Or at least a magazine.  Probably an old one in a doctor's office with a couple of pages torn out, but still readable. 

I can't wait for the new recession reality show "Who Wants to Marry a Guy With Decent Credit?"  Totally stole that from Jimmy Fallon.  It's late and that made me laugh. 

Project Runway is making me quite angry this season because Michael Kors and Nina Garcia haven't been on in 4 episodes and if I don't hear someone say "that dress looks like a $50 hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold prom" soon, I'll refuse to watch the rest of the series.

I didn't get any cell calls for three days and realized it yesterday.  After rebooting my iPhone, I had a brazillion messages, so people really do like me after all.

The barista at PJ's thought it would be funny yesterday to tell me they were out of the stuff to make a mocha.  I yelled "don't do that to me!" at her.  You don't joke with people about their caffeinated beverages. 

Andrew has show and tell at school Friday. This will obviously be more show than tell.

I made a great joke to my neighbor this morning while waiting for the school bus, but she's German and has never heard "Hee Haw," so it was a joke wasted. 

When the delivery guy showed up today, he asked where I wanted the new mattress.  I considered telling him to set it up in the kitchen.  On the phone, when he called for directions, he said "you got the 666 mattress?" say what?  The Satan mattress?  I don't think so.  Then he said "king size?"  I said yes.  He then went on to mispronounce my last name in a way I've never heard (and I've heard them all - Faller, Taylor, Sailor) and when I told him where my subdivision was, he said "oh, off Bootlegger Road?"  then pronounced the name of the subdivision wrong and said "we'll see ya."  I specifically asked for a time frame and his window was "we'll see ya."  Thanks, Bubba.

I had to defriend someone from Facebook the other day for several counts of douchebaggery and general stupid foolitis.  Pitying fools is tiresome.  I think I'll leave it to Mr. T for a while.

Our bus driver does the pageant wave when he passes our house.  This is equally funny and disturbing.

I forgot to wish y'all a happy first day of fall the other day and I apologize.  I love fall.  It's awesome for lots of reasons, but mainly because I get to use one of my favorite words -- autumnal.  It's fun, try it.  Next time someone compliments your mantle or whatever, say "oh, yes, maize is always part of the Faler autumnal decor" or at Starbucks, "I'll have the pumpkin spice latte, it's one of my autumnal favorites."

My new Pottery Barn sheets are the softest ever.

The Target didn't have Folex the other day.  This is a travesty.

Last weekend I sent the hubs upstairs to print something for me.  This was the first time he has used my iMac.  When he came downstairs I asked him what he thought of it and he said it was okay, but the zebra scared him.  Then I remembered that for some reason I picked a big ole zebra face as my wallpaper for fun

The Lucy dog ate beef jerky and got sick, then I learned what "step into a Slim Jim" really means.

Y'all be good.  Come back Sunday for an 80's rewind.

no tunes this Tuesday

It's not that I don't love y'all, but it's been a disjointed kind of day of rain, thus no Tunes Tuesday, but instead a disjointed post, a little stream of consciousness. 

I don't like the color gold.  Unless it's gold lame, in that case it's fantastic.  I would really like a gold lame raincoat for some reason.

My hair didn't dry right today and now it's weird and wiry looking.  I blame it on the rain.

Why did it start to storm just as the kids were getting off the bus?

Facebook has been buggy lately and it has really pissed me off.

I applaud the individual who took it upon himself to correct the grammar of one of the construction signs on Hwy 21.  Bravo, sir.  You are my grammar hero.

I am convinced one of my friends has a form of ESP.  It's not a terribly helpful type of ESP, but still kind of cool.

The waist measurement should be the same in a particular size of Lane Bryant jeans, no matter if they are boot cut, wide leg, straight leg, or low rise.  It makes absolutely no sense that the jeans are the same size and the waist measurement is so different that they will not button.  Damn you Right Fit jeans!  

I had a little deja vu earlier today.  It was interesting. 

Someone called me recently with what they said was good news.  Good news is relative.

The interwebs is a magical thing.  Frustrating and annoying, but magical.

I'm half-heartedly trying to get out of something next month.  I am employing the tactic of embarrassment to convince my hubs he does not want me to go to his 20th high school reunion.  I hate events with a passion.  Most of my friends think I'm an extrovert, but they are wrong.  I have told him if I go I will spend the entire evening bombarding a classmate of his with questions about her title as Mrs. STATE I LIVE IN because it's my new goal in life to become the 2010 Mrs. WHAT SHE WAS A FEW YEARS AGO.  I need a sash and crown.  And a scepter -- I really need one of those.

The new House was really good last night.

The newly remastered Beatles albums are the bomb.

The hubs and I went to a brew pub on the lakefront Saturday night to watch the LSU game.  There was a woman there with breast implants so large that the LSU graphic on her tiny t-shirt looked like it was being tortured.  The S was so misshapen, it looked like a Escher drawing of a slide.

Real Coke is delicious.

Shopping for mattresses is a bizarre experience.  You're supposed to lay on them as you would at home to test it out, but I don't think you're supposed to take your shoes off or anything.  And like I'm going to lay there with the salesguy watching me.  I'm going to go to his house and watch him sleep, then ask how he likes his mattress, all smug and snarky.

We went to Chevy's for lunch Sunday and all I could think about was how much our waiter looked like The Rock.  I kept waiting for him to do that eyebrow thing, so I'd know if it were really The Rock and he was maybe doing some undercover work or something, but he never did. 

Our garage currently smells like ant killer.

The hubs touched his goatee so many times Saturday that I told him I would get him a hamster, because he obviously has some sort of tactile issue.  

I'm not really going to buy a hamster.  I'd be the one to take care of it and we all know I'm not in the mood.

But I do want a cocker spaniel.  I would name it Sadie.

I still love The Psychedelic Furs.

I forgot to eat lunch.

I'm downloading fonts from the interwebs for the new computer.  No one needed design a font with letters made of penis drawings.

Stop thinking of penises.

really, I don't mind at all.

At least that's what I'm telling myself.  Because the more you tell yourself something, the more you believe it and then after a while, it's part of your composition.

So, maybe I won't mind. 

But for now, it's important to me because a person should have people in their life that they feel like they can count on.  And it hurts.  I'm not sure why I'm airing this here (because it's not as though they read the blog after all), and as the song says, "it's getting so you never know when things are left alone."  I don't believe leaving things alone is a trait of mine.  I'm pretty sure I wasn't in line when God was giving that one out, just as I wasn't in line for many other traits.  The trait I was blessed with for better or for worse, is expression.   And even though I'm not paid for it, fundamentally I've always been a writer-girl and the written word is my main form of expression.  So, what I can't verbalize right now will be written and maybe I'll get around to saying how I feel to whom this is directed and maybe I won't.

I know many of my readers come here for a laugh, but it hasn't been one of those days.  I hope you understand.  I'm sure I'll put a smile on my face and get back to our usual shenanigans tomorrow.  But for today, here's the song. 

I Dont Mind at All - Bourgeois Tagg

various and sundry half-awake thoughts for your Thursday

Not surprisingly, I've been up to my ears in ScrapFest! stuff: tickets, workshops, mug design, something special we're keeping secret design, and I'm starting t-shirt design this afternoon.  I've been burning the candle at both ends, as they say.  And I'm either half-awake or half-asleep right now as we wait for the school bus this morning.  I'm afraid it's looking like posts will be sketchy (or maybe just random photos) until ScrapFest! because I'm busier than usual.  This is just plain wrong.  And so, I thought I'd write some various and sundry thoughts while I have a little downtime this morning.

• Last week in Shreveport, I found myself in a hotel elevator with strangers who were debating what floor they were staying on.  For a moment when the doors opened, I thought about saying aloud "third floor: men's haberdashery, millinery, furs, and fine jewelry."  
• Also, back in my hometown, I was introduced to my great uncle's brother, Kerry.  I was then told his name was the inspiration for the spelling of my name (that NO ONE ever spells correctly).
• While making room on my messy desk for my new iMac, I discover 4 cards for friends that I bought and misplaced.  I do this a lot.
• Matthew Sweet is phenomenal.  
• Over the past week, starting in S'port, I've watched the entire 3rd season of 30 Rock and have laughed out loud during each eppie and can't stop quoting Tina Fey's "I want to go to there" statement.  Funny stuff.
• Today Megs says to Bethy and me that she thought her iPhone screen was broken when she turned it on and saw the "crack in the apple."  I told her that was the logo.  

I'm leaving you with some of my favorite scenes from 30 Rock, because I bet you need a laugh as much as I do. 

I think you'll all agree that "I love this cornbread so much, I want to take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant" is pretty much the funniest thing ever said. I thought so.

blog makeover

Woo-hoo!  The blog makeover is complete!  Hannah of Sherbet Blossom Designs did a great job on my blog's makeover and I love it.  The old blog had needed a fresh coat of paint and a little sprucing up and I couldn't be happier with the remodel. 

The fam is back from the beach and I have a bunch to tell you and photos to share, but for now I'll just wish you a happy Sunday and I'm going to upload pics and read my 180 emails (no exaggeration there, btw).  Have a great evening and I may surprise y'all with a late edition of the 80's Sunday Rewind, who knows.

state of the blog address

Hello reader friends, it's time for what I'd like to call the inaugural State of the Blog Address (yes, it's formal, because I like to keep it classy, that's just how I roll).

Here at the Kerry Blog we take things halfway seriously, thus the State of the Blog Address.  And by we, I mean me and my other personalities.  I'd like to tell y'all about some goings on behind the scenes of the blog just in case you find yourself on the interwebs one day, dial up the blog and think you've landed somewhere else.  Typepad has switched me to the new platform and I simply adore the new  fantastic dashboard, making it easier to post, save, edit, and tag posts.  If you've thought about starting a blog, you can't go wrong with Typepad.  They've also introduced new fun templates, so what's not to love?   But because I'm not the stock-template type, the old blog is getting a makeover, which I alluded to a while back.  That's right, we're taking it up a notch with a blog makeover.  Don't worry, the content will remain irreverent and jocose as always, just with a few cute embellishments.

I thought you might enjoy some stats as part of this address. 

As usual, I'm up late writing.  I took a screen shot of the stat page to show you the recent visitor map which reflects where people are visiting the blog from midnight 'til 12:30 am.  I'm not the only one up late or early for those of you in Europe, India, China, and Australia. 

 

So, that's 30 minutes of blog time.  I'm always interested in what brings visitors to the blog, so I checked recent keyword activity and here are the results:

 You can click the image to enlarge it, if you'd like.  These are the most recent search terms, so props to good friend, AB, for being the latest search query.  I'd like to know what the people who are Googling "dd real boobs" and "bbw pin-ups" think when they land on this blog.  I can only hope they have a sense of humor, because I don't think they found exactly what they were looking for.  My favorite search on this list is "weird inverted triangle body shape women" because I can't imagine for the life of me what the hell they were looking for.  A week or so ago, the leading search terms on the blog were "bbw pin-ups," "red head bbw pin up," and "pin up situations."  Picture my face when I saw dozens of searches for those topics.  Now picture the face of the guy who Googled and got my post with Hilda the first illustrated plus-sized pin-up (and my hero).  And just because I love Hilda, here's one of my favorites.

This is the closest I'll get to being a pin-up girl, since artist Duane Bryers obviously had psychic visions of me when he created Hilda back in 1957.  Seriously, those are my legs and skinny ankles, and even one of my expressions.  Please.  This is image is borrowed from toilgirls.com, a site by a modern plus-sized pin-up artist and fellow Hilda fan. 

That's the scoop on the blog right now.  I'm thrilled to have so many readers who come back day after day for my ramblings.  I do have to tell you, it's funny, since the comments weren't working for ages and bunches of you have joined Facebook and message me to say you liked a post, the comments have dwindled, but I know you're still reading, so all is well.  That's a nice run-on sentence for a late night! 

Check back for the cuteness of the new blog design and until next time, stay classy.