scraps & lagniappe

1st grade layout

Worked on Molly's 1st grade school picture layout tonight. I dyed the canvas flowers with alcohol inks -- the inks are my new favorite thing.

artsy craftsy layout

This is the first layout I've done for myself since 1999, meaning it's not child-related. I water colored the paper and put a bunch of junk on it, mostly Prima flowers. The little pic is from Scrap Etc in Atlanta, taken with my fun Fuji Instax camera that's like a Polaroid, but makes credit card sized pics. Love it.

1st layout from the swamp

This is Molly's bubble gum layout and Ill have take a better pic when I get back to da house.

scrapbooking in the swamp

My friends and I will be scrapbooking in a cabin in the swampland of south Louisiana for the next few days and I don't know if I'll be able to update from my iPhone or not, so we shall see.  Next week I'll have some new layout for y'all to see, that is if I'm not eaten by an alligator or kidnapped by the swamp thing.  Y'all be good and have a superfantastic weekend.

my breast friend

Once again, it's up to me to tell you about a product you didn't know you needed.  Watch the one-minute video, then we'll discuss.

Okay, first, the woman in the beginning looks uncomfortable because of the get-up she's sleeping in, not her boobs. 

Seriously.  I'm speaking only for myself, but damn, if your boobs are the reason for your insomnia, maybe you should read the news and you'll have a bigger reason to lie awake at night.  I'm just saying.  Now, I've had big boobs forever and never have I been trying to get to sleep and thought "if only I had some sort of plastic boob separator I could get some sleep!"  

Let's look at some of the FAQs from kushsupport.com.

Q. Is there an adjustment period for Kush?

A. Like knee pillows prescribed by orthopedic physicians and chiropractors, there may be a brief period of adjustment for the first two or three nights. However, most customers report being unaware that Kush is even there while sleeping!

Q. How does Kush stay in place?

A. Kush offers a unique anatomically contoured design to fit comfortably between the breasts. Made of a lightweight plastic that offers the firmness necessary for breast support, the slip-resistant surface and contoured shape help keep Kush in place as a woman rolls from one side to the other during sleep.

Q. Do I need to wear clothing with Kush?

A. No. You don't need to wear a bra, restrictive clothing or special garments. You can sleep in nighties, T-shirts or in the nude, and Kush will stay in place with its slip-resistant outer coating.

Q. Why is my Kush not staying in place?

A. We recommend that customers use Kush against clean, dry skin. The slip-resistant quality of Kush can be negatively affected by nighttime perspiration associated with menopause, or by perfumes, alcohol, oils, lotions or creams.

Really.  I don't see how I could be unaware of the Kush while I'm sleeping, but sweet mother of insomnia, thank goodness the Kush is slip-resistant and I can sleep in the nude with it.  I cannot sleep in the nude, I'm far too prudish for that.  Plus, if there was an emergency, like a fire -- if you sleep in the nude you'd have to throw some clothes on to run outside.  At least I'd be on the lawn in my chemise waiting for the cute firemen to show up.  Back to the Kush.  It's slip-resistant is negatively affected by a few things, alcohol being one of them.  I'm confused.  Do they mean when you drink alcohol or if you pour a drink down your pajamas? 'cause I'm a klutz and am always spilling my booze at bedtime. 

The Kush comes in 3 different sizes and plenty of colors.  Now, I thought the colors were for various skintones, but then I noticed the blue, lilac, and green, so I assume they're making the Kush for aliens.  This, of course means aliens have boobs and now I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the Kush or by aliens with boobs.  I'm telling you, sometimes this blogging thing unearths some phobias I didn't know I had. 

The sizes are freaky too.  And they remind me of the little hand weights my mom used to have when she had the exercise mini-trampoline when I was kid, and since my boobs are weights themselves, I don't think they need competition.  Plus, according to the site, I'd need the large size and I fail to see how I wouldn't notice it while sleeping as the FAQs suggest. 

It's a weird and wacky world we live in, isn't it?  Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get my junk together for a little scrapbook trip to the swamp tomorrow.  Since I don't have a Kush, I guess I'll pack the cordless phone to put between my boobs.  I don't think that's big enough, maybe the dustbuster or a roll of paper towels.

tunes you need Tuesday: songs for an angry day

Ever have an angry day?  Just a crappy day?  I made a playlist for days like this and I'm sharing it with you -- just because. 

Angry Day Playlist

1. R.E.M. "Redhead Walking" -- an angry Kerry themesong if ever there was one.  I don't get angry often, but I have quite the redheaded temper when I do.

2. R.E.M. "Living Well is the Best Revenge" -- isn't that good advice?

3. Morrissey "Suedehead" -- Moz is the best.  "Why do you come here when you know it makes it hard for me when you go?" and "I'm so very sick of you, oh, I'm so sick of you now" are just fab.

4. Ben Folds Five "Song For the Dumped" -- being dumped is not a requirement for enjoying this one.

5. The Breeders "Cannonball" -- I cannot tell you how much I love this song from Kim Deal and company.  I'm tacking the video on for fun at the end of the post.

6. The Lemonheads "Bit Part" -- how can you not dig this tune?

7. Natalie Merchant "Jealousy" -- as if I'd leave the best intelligent jealous woman song off the list.

8. 10,000 Maniacs "Headstrong" -- my other themesong.

9. The Lemonheads "I'll Do it Anyway" -- this one's just a feel-good, eff 'em song. 

10. Counting Crows "I'm Not Sleeping" -- awesome when you get to "1 2 3 4 5 6 7 a.m. all alone again, but I've been through all this shit before / Spend my nights in self-defense, cry about my innocence, but I ain't all that innocent anymore."  Listen for yourself, starts slow, but it's great.

11. Tears For Fears "Shout" -- an 80's must.

12. Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers "You Got Lucky" -- classic.

13. Stevie Nicks and Tom Petty "Stop Draggin' My Heart Around" -- big classic.

14. Counting Crows "She Don't Want Nobody Near" -- seriously.

15. Lily Allen "Smile" -- well done, Lily.

16. The Cure "Pictures of You"  -- not really an angry song, but it just fits.

80's Sunday Rewind: Father Figure edition

I know, two posts in one day -- I amaze even myself. 

It's Father's Day and I can think of no better way to bring the day to a close that with the one and only George Michael. 

George Michael - New Music - More Music Videos

Shut up.  He's fabulous.  Nobody did the 80's better than that.

George Michael - New Music - More Music Videos

Shut the hell up.  GM isn't an icon for nothing.  And here's the sexiest video of 1990, "Freedom '90."  Thanks, George.  And happy Father Figure Day. 

George Michael - New Music - More Music Videos

and now Father's Day tips from Snoop Dogg

Father's Day is here once again and although I realize men are in the minority of my blog's demographic, I wanted to pay tribute to the Dads out there.  Whether you have a dad in your life or not, odds are good you know one.   Today I'll be spending Father's Day with the hubs and the munchkins, playing games and doing family stuff, as I'm sure most of you will be doing too. 

As I thought about what I wanted to write today, all the cliche sentiments came to mind and I'm anything but a cliche kind of girl.  And so, I consulted the authority on the subject, the one and only Snoop D-O-double G. 

Have a great Father's Day you dads out there.  Unless you're a deadbeat dad, that is. 

making Father's Day a little easier

Yesterday after reading every Father's Day card that Target had, I decided there has to be something out there for the rest of us.  Are you familiar with the typical Father's Day card?  Most of them have a picture of a sailboat or a lighthouse with a sentiment like this, "To my Wonderful Dad on Father's Day.  You taught me how to tie my shoes and ride a bike, but the most important thing you taught was how to love."  Or there is a picture of a man's feet with little girl feet standing on his shoes and it says, "Daddy, I'll always be your little girl no matter how grown up I am.  Happy Father's Day."  These types of traditional Father's Day cards make me want to throw up.

It's not that I have a bad relationship with my dad, it's that I don't have a that kind of relationship with him.  The truth is, I didn't have much of a relationship with my dad until my parents divorced three years ago and he started speaking for himself.  We talk on the phone once or twice a week and he tells me what he's been up to, which is usually working and going to Nicky's on two for one enchilada night with his girlfriend, then we usually talk about a couple of amusing relatives.  It's good times.  My dad is a regular guy who works hard for a living and doesn't have any real hobbies.  He doesn't play golf, doesn't grill, doesn't care about football, and doesn't wear ties unless he's forced to.  He's not one for a great deal of sentiment and I've never found the right sentiment for him in a card -- and for some reason, this year was especially hard.  I ended up buying a card that said "To the King of the Road, Happy Father's Day."  By the way, my dear old dad is a truck driver, more specifically, he is a "route salesman" for the big dairy in my hometown, but that's a fancy schmancy word for truck driver. 

There was every type of Father's Day card except for the non-mushy card.  There were expectant dad cards, new dad, step-dad, grandpa, papa, grandad, "to my son on Father's Day," "to my mom on Father's Day," and my favorite "you're like a dad to me."  I thought about getting the last one just for fun.  There was even a Father's Day card from the cat or dog.  When I saw the card from the cat I said WTF outloud in the presence of children.  I apologize, I'm not proud of that, but I couldn't help it and yes, I said the words, not the acronym.  So, I grabbed the king of the road card and mumbled to myself on the way to the check-out, vowing to make a line of honest Father's Day cards for The Rest of Us. 

I think I'll call my card line Cards for the Rest of Us, which could mean whatever you want it to.  I'm debuting my Father's Day line here on The Kerry Blog, feel free to clip and print for your own use, royalty free 'til Hallmark comes calling, bitches!

This is the first card, which I put on my Facebook page yesterday.  It's short and to the point. 

My friend Shannon suggested that maybe the above card was a little too mushy, so here is the bare-bones version, just right for your dad and any dad you know.  And if you're visiting your dad at the county jail, this is perfect.

For those of you looking for a little more sentiment, this is the card for you.  It can be taken any number of ways.  I would let it speak for itself.

This card is just great for those "regular guy" dads like mine.  Self-explanitory is the best way to go.

My friend Jennifer made a special request for a card and I hope this one covers all the bases.  I thought the hammer added that nice passive-aggressive touch I'm always looking for in greeting card.

 

And lastly, this card is truly for the rest of us. 

Y'all have a great weekend.  Check the blog Sunday for an extra special Father's Day edition. 

xxxooo,
Kerry

a lesson in subtlety

As longtime readers know, I am nothing if not subtle.  Of course, that couldn't be further from the truth -- it's a joke, people.  However, I do know the difference between subtlety and a big dose of harshness.  There are few things in life worse than trying to get your point across and appearing like you're speaking with a megaphone.  Some of us are naturally loud crass creatures while others are mild-mannered and tactful.  And while my usual motto is "more is more," today's lesson is "less is more."  

In real life, I'm a fairly normal person.  I guess.  I'm not a very good judge, so maybe I'm kind of normal, I don't know -- is it normal to want to be Endora from Bewitched when I'm older?  Anywitch, I suppose I'm not exactly the low-key type.  I typically do things in a big way, believing that bigger is better, but there is such a thing as going too far.  I know what you're saying, "but Kerry, where do I draw the line?" 

I'd say this would be a good start:

This look comes courtesy of Captain Obvious, Mr. T-Pain.

Why yes, that is a big ass chain.

It shows off T-Pain's grill and tattoos rather nicely, especially the "Nappy Boy" tat.  But, as my homeboy, Tim Gunn would say, this is a lotta look. 

Personally, when I wear my Big Ass Chain, I make sure I'm not wearing a shirt with a logo or slogan on it -- it's just distracting. 

And what's with the cowboy hat?  I'd love to hear a duet with Kenny Rogers -- on second thought, I want T-Pain and Dolly Parton to record "Islands In the Stream" for this generation.  I've always thought what was missing from the original version was the auto-tune flava T-Pain could bring.

People, we can make this happen.  I'm going to head an email petition for the duet of the century.  It's a fairly new century, so odds are good that it would be the duet of the century.  

I just thought I'd point out the T-Pain appears to also be rocking a mullet. 

While I do appreciate his sense of humor, if you have to hold up your chain with both hands, maybe it is a wee bit too big. 

I'm just saying.

I know many of my readers aren't big jewelry wearers, other than the wedding band and a pair of earrings, and that's just my male readers.  Ba dum bum!  Tip your waitresses, I'll be here all week.  Anybling, maybe you wouldn't go for the Big Ass Chain and you're more concerned with the subtlety of your clothing.  Certainly I can understand this.  Obviously, people look to me for fashion advice, as I am quite the trendsetter.  Clogs?  Please, I was wearing clogs in 10th grade -- that was 1990, people.  I'm talking wooden and suede clogs.  Hot pink.  Hell yeah.  Fell down the stairs in them and still wore them to school 'cause I was a trendsetter.  You think the "emo" look is something new?  Ha.  I wore black for two years back in the day and dyed my hair to match.  Emo ain't new.  You know what is kind of new?  The angry look.

I'm not talking about the stupid skulls.  I'm so over the skulls.  And skulls with bows.  And skulls that are Hello Kitty.

I'm talking about really angry. 

Like I'm so angry I'm going to unleash my inner killer gorilla on you. 

I don't know where Rihanna was going in this dress, under her umbrella, no less -- but I'd like to think she was going to fight a parking ticket or maybe to her IRS audit.   That's when an angry gorilla dress would come in handy.  That's when I wear mine. 

Call me crazy (wouldn't be the first time), but is the gorilla's mouth kind of, oh, I don't know, in an odd place?  It seems to be screaming "don't go near my vajayjay!"  Which, come to think of it -- nah, I'm not going to say it. 

Rihanna also picked an odd necklace to wear with the angry gorilla dress.  Kinda looks like the gorilla has a halo on, which is sending a mixed message.  Angry gorilla or gorilla of hope and light?  If I had a nickel for every time I've had to say that.  Pick an emotion and go with it.  

And the yellow umbrella screams "happy."  Rihanna, you confuse me.  You are a question wrapped up in an enigma in an angry gorilla dress. 

Did we learn something today?  Less is more.  Unless you're a gorilla, then subtlety is lost on you.